My ex left me because of my obsession with star wars. But I have met a new girl who loves it as much as I do.
I have a new hope.

Just been fired from my job at a Spanish restaurant for poisoning the customers with my version of paella.
I always thought you had to put ricin.

BBC News- "Rail feret 'took London train."
Must have been pretty strong don't you think?

My mum died at a fair/carnival. I think it was fete

I'm hopeless when it comes to fatherhood. Only today my wife sent me to get a muslin for the baby...
I came back with Abdul.

I think I'm going to have to give up smoking. As well as it being expensive, I just don't know what to do with all these kippers.

I was watching the Masters earlier.
The dogs don't interest me at all.

I've written a musical about a maggot turning into a female fly and becoming a nun.
It's called Larvae Maria.

I beat my grandfather in a sprint.
It was a race against the clock.

BBC news: Two arrested over phone hacker claim.
A bit harsh for doing a maori war dance over the phone?

I read a modern variation of the Hansel and Gretel fairytale.
It was still sort of grimm.

I just brought myself a feel good CD.
Still feels like plastic though.

My father's an invisible cross-dresser. He's a transparent.

My friend in Greenpeace told me that humans need to try and preserve nature.
So I pickled a baby panda.

My son's got Down Syndrome.
He's allergic to goose feathers.

I was sick on the train this morning.
I have spectacular aim from a bridge.

I caught the sun today,
I've now two burnt black stumps where my hands used to be.

I tried phoning my ex girlfriend to convince her not to kill herself
But I couldn't get through to her

The wife's just warned me the only way I can save our crumbling mess of a marriage is to ease up on my obsession with the vintage slapstick of Stan Laurel.
Note to self: Must try Hardy.

I told my girlfriend to bring clingfilm from the shop. The stupid cow returned with a romantic comedy.

I walked past a building site this morning when I noticed that the workers were all knelt down and had their heads bowed. I went and asked the foreman what was going on and he said 'The business isn't doing very well, the boss has been fiddling the books so we're all praying that the situation will get better.' Clearly the cracks were beginning to show

My Mother needs a kickstand to stand up straight...
her name is Eileen.

is seems NIck Clegg has been feeling overwhelmed recently. Apparently it is because of issues with his parents as he was Nickcleggted as a child

Me and my mates were all sat in the pub sucking helium out of balloons, having a right laugh.
When all of a sudden Frank Bruno walked over and asked if he could join in.
That completely lowered the tone.

Loofers come in 4 sizes - Small, Medium, Large and Vandross.