As a doctor/chef, it's not often that all my skills are required at once.
Today was an exception though.
In the middle of cooking dinner, I had to cure the ham.

I just tried to simultaneously walk a tight rope and browse the internet.
It didn't work though. I couldn't get on line.

"360 vision? I can't get my head around that!"
Said the owl.

Just found my old time-machine,
That brings me back...

My wife wants to go on a road trip around famous Chinese monuments...Her requests are driving me up the wall.

I'm not impressed with my new Blackberry Torch.
I should've got a maglite.

I'm not impressed with my new Blackberry Torch.
I should've got a maglite.

I'd sell my sole to get started in second hand shoe trading.

I used to have dreams before I was married,
Now I cant dream because my wife snores too loud.

Some chump tried to rob my newsagents the other day
I tied him up and hid him in the chocolate section
He's behind bars now

While getting ready for a wedding my wife couldn't decide on which hat to wear, she asked me "Is this one too forward?"
I replied "No, I can still see your face"

I've got a new job selling mansized Kleenex on the high street. The sales pitch is easy.
"Big Tissue!"

I put my house on the Market today.
The stallholders were not very pleased.

My mate keeps me up to date with all the latest news from the world of music, and i thought:
"With friends like him, who needs NME?"

This guy came up to me and said 'magician, wiccan, sourceress' I said speaking of which...

Shaved my hoo ha with Occam's razor.
Now my Man parts are smooth AND have the principle of parsimony.

I came round a corner this morning and thought ;
"I really must get that seen too"

When nothings going right, go left.

I applied for a job at a bakery, but only made the final two.
I don't hold anything against the girl who got the job.
Her knead is greater than mine.

My wife always wanted me to stick up for her.
Robbing the bank with her by my side wasn't what she had in mind.

Yesterday I painted my black slave's hands white to see if it could be a little more productive.
It worked.

I just booked a holiday and in the brochure it said No hairdressers on site
Bonus a holiday without the wife.

Roy Wood (of Wizzard) and Ronnie Wood (The Stones) are getting together to form The Splinter Group.

Never thought I'd be saying 'James Morrison, What a hit!'

I remember when all the other kids at school used to look up to me.
And then the headmaster banned stilts.