What's the best way to make a woman feel wanted?
Drink 12 pints of Stella.

Got my foreskin caught in my zip this morning.
What the doctor did at the hospital to get it out was a bit if an eye opener.

My wife is always whining about how much I suffocate her.
Maybe, I'm not pressing the pillow hard enough.

I really love covers of Michael Jackson songs.
The 15 tog "Thriller" quilt is my favourite.

I'm thinking of writing a joke about metal smelting... don't slag it off.

Seal - Kiss From a Rose... More like fallen face first in a Rose Bush.

I played poker with a crocodile last night.
Lost a couple of hands.

The reason i'm feeling pensive is because i just took the ex out. Couldn't afford a divorce.

I don't see what all this fuss about beating your meat is.
Got me sacked from the butchers.

Has anyone tried that new aftershave made in tribute to the Hindenburg disaster?
Eau De Humanity.

Had a fall out with the wife last night...Serves me right for forcing the tube doors open between stations.

When my local newspaper agreed to publish a weekly column by me they called to tell me that they would need a mugshot.
Without hesitation I picked up my rifle, went into town and gunned down Jamie Oliver.

Accidently just put eye drops in my ears.
I can see what im hearing.

With the welfare state reform now coming in, many chavs have found themselves fleeing the country across the Channel to France to set up new settlements where they may live without fear of losing their money.
French police say that they will not be intervening in the towns of Gipeau, Asbeau and Jiereau.

My neighbour won't stop singing in the flat below me.
Makes it very difficult to harmonise.

Is it just me or have I never actually seen a fish with fingers?

My friend started smoking the other day.
So we put him out.

Sky news: Boy aged 2, dies after fire rescue.
Why didn't they save the boy first?

There's a theory among academics that the works of William Shakespeare were actually written by Francis Bacon.
He wasn't bard.

Just heard through a friend of a friend that I've been given a place on my local church choir!
Not taking it as Gospel though.

My friends spend hours doing puzzles like this:
D R O N E S
D R O N E
_ _ _ _
D O E
D O
It's easily done.

My girlfriend is distraught after having her legs amputated.
In retrospect, telling her she'll be okay once she find's her feet probably didn't make her feel any better.

My ladder business isn't doing that well at the moment.
Better step up my game.

BP bosses are under fire again for ridiculing the victims of the oil leak. Several of them were seen arriving at work today with their hair slicked back.

BBC News: Henry leaves Barcelona for New York
He should hoover up over there?