When I was growing up, I was always terrified of the grandfather clock in our house.
Grandma got the idea from those Mickey Mouse watches, and had him fitted to a clock after he died.

A guy with a beard walked into the shop and asked to buy a bottle of after shave.
"Not yet." I told him.

It's boring to hear people make jokes about me being a drover that works with cattle.
Because I herd them already.

At the bus stop this morning I saw a gentleman getting more and more agitated the later his bus was. He tutted, started checking his watch and grumbled under his breath. I began to wonder how angry he'd be at the driver when two of the same bus came along at once.
He went off on one.

I wasn't sure if holding a fund raiser for people who can't make decisions in life was the right thing to do, but I gave them the Benefit Of The Doubt

I've developed a theory about words that end in 'ism'.
I've called it ismism.

The wife rang me from her boat trip but the reception out at sea isn't good so I'll could hear was 'syncing' and 'The Police.'
She always liked Sting so she must be pretty excited

People ask me why I work in a minimum wage job at the air conditioning factory.
I do it for the fans.

My wife said she's leaving me because apparently I have a fetish for electrical surges.
I was shocked when I heard this.

Know any jokes about Sodium? Na.

A friend of mine built an extension for my castle.
It was awful, but it's the fort that counts...

What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.

I tried 3 way head today.
It was ok but 4 for a toothbrush is a bit much.

I heard Chelsea are after a new goalkeeper...
That Togo Goalkeeper seems a good choice as he is a good shot stopper.

I'm a big fan of R 'n' B.
Raping 'n' Burying.

I have killed my last six wives.
I have now married again & I intend to kill my new wife in the morning.
After tomorrow I think I can safely say that 'Widower 7' was my idea.

My wife and I had a serious discussion last night about the subject of "pulling out".
I was in favour, and she wasn't.
I'd like to see our troops home, and she thinks that there's still a job to do.

I'm having problems with erections.
I can't get planning permission from the wife.

I thought about getting a product aimed at children learning to go to the toilet by themselves. Then I saw the price tag.
So it's no Kandoo.

Boy oh boy,that lady in Thailand sure fooled me.

I bought my girlfriend a new mobile today. It plays twinkle twinkle little star and fits nicely above her cot.

I was playing with my Wii earlier.
I wouldn't recommend it.
My hands smelt of urine.

I'm sick and twisted.
I have a curvature of the spine that causes me to vomit sporadically.

I would love to be minted, that way I would always have fresh breath

I just played a gig to the ladies topless wrestling society.
They were a pretty, tough audience.