Msn news: Arrest over river body parts found,
A spokesperson reports that they have found a mouth so far.

'Royal Mail Names First Female Chief Executive'.
Sky News appologise for missprint on website, it should read,
'Royal Mail Names First Female Executive Chef'.

I don't know why but I just hate people that have a strong dislike for things, with no good reason to.

I've named my child Kelvin, how cool is that?

I'm not one for cross eyed people.
I'm two.

I stick figs up the fannies of random girls because I can't get any dates.

"Pigs might fly" I thought, listening to my wife and her two sisters discussing their holiday travel options

So Clintons have entered administration?
That wasn't on the cards

I just saw Louis Walsh with some Muslim twins with really tall quiffs.
I think they were Jihadwood.

I've finally landed my new job as various undercover agents.
Disguise the limit.

What do you get if you eat a hand full of spiders,beetles and woodlouse!
A stomach bug ...

I've recently started a job retrieving litter.
It didn't require any training, I just picked it up as I went along.

I managed to lose a stone yesterday after doing barely anything.
Little Jake is going to be devastated when he finds out his pet rock is missing.

I haven't yet established myself in Snooker.
I'm just waiting for my big break.

Coming out the shed holding the rackets I said "Who's up for a game of Badminton?"
"What about a net?" the Wife shouted,
"She can play the winner" I said.

I stole a packet of Duracell and some sodium chloride earlier.
Got arrested for salt and batteries.

Got a face lift yesterday.
In fact, the rest of The A Team cheered me up as well.

After smoking for 20 years, running for the bus nearly kills me so I'm going to give up.
I'll stick to walking

My brother looked miserable after his visit to some place in the Ukraine.
"How was your trip to Kiev?" I inquired.
"Donetsk" he snapped dismissively.

Opening a resteraunt that sells healthy stuffed flatbread sandwhichs that slows down the aging process.
I'm calling it Pita Pan's.

I can't wait to meet Miss D'Menor!!!
Nice to know the police reward theft these days.

Thousands of Arnold Schwarzenegger DVDs are having to be returned due to a factory fault.
Looks like a Total Recall.

I flashed an old lady in the park this morning and it caused her to have a seizure.
How was I meant to know she was epileptic.

I don't half feel sorry for my mate Atlas.
Every time I see him he looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Just saw a Mack truck with a sign saying "carrying oversized load." All I can think is " that's headed for some poor girls face."