I found twenty pounds... I say found... My girlfriend uses the term gained.

I wish I'd never kicked the wife out.
Actually did more damage to her than the fire itself.

My Jamaican friend said he's going to start a business selling cocaine.....
But it all went to pot

It looks like Michael Owen is going to get a start today.
Alex Ferguson is going to creep up behind him on the bench and make him jump.

Anyone fancy going to Flashers Anonymous tonight?
Just putting it out there.

My wife said I have to put a monetary value on everything.
I thought "that's rich"

With hindsight, I'd have eyes in the back of my head.

I've seen many Americans moved by 'Amazing Grace', but the majority of Americans I've seen don't move with much grace at all.

My midget mate just told me he's going to do surgery to look like one of the seven dwarves.
I said to him, "Whatever makes you Happy."

I've got a business painting portraits of interracial couples,
I'm one of the world's best Mixed Marital Artists.

I've just released a new song called 'Britney Spears'.
There's an amazing breakdown in the middle.

I lost my job as a hotel receptionist after checking out the wrong people.
Apparently I shouldn't be drooling over children.

When we were recruiting new agents into the CIA, one of the rookies lost his mind and began complaining:
"Who designed this CIA logo?! I mean, the 'C' and 'A' are alright, but the 'I' looks awful!"
I asked him "Who are you?"
"I'm a freelance designer, I don't know why I'm here!"
I replied, "I know you want us to hire you. But don't insult my intelligence."

He dribbles down the wing and then he's straight into the box, its a real scramble, there are legs and thighs everywhere! He tries a cheeky chip and its soo good!
Another win for Kentucky F.C.

I'd have a fit if I found out I was epileptic.

So the Pandas at Edinburgh Zoo have failed to mate in the 36 hour window for this year. Personally I'm bored with this black and white menstrual show.

My brother lost a stone last week...
I've never seen anyone so upset about losing a pet rock.

The wife walked into the living room after a day at work and saw the place looking like a pig sty.
"I'll give you a hand tidying up if you want," I said.
"Lord help me," said the wife looking at the mess.
"No need to be so formal," I said, "Dave will do".

My wife keeps threatening to leave me because of my obsession with chocolate bars.
She's bounty to leave any day now.

I was going to write a joke about women, but I didn't get a chance to finish it.

Why are people called Claire always white?
Because otherwise they'd be a chocolatey Claire

My girlfriend came downstairs with her face covered in aquatic animals.
It turned me on and I came on urchin.

I read this article that said that one in every five friends overuses sarcastic anecdotes.
I thought "That's Rich".

I'm thinking of joining the Met. They sound like me to a T.

I think it's thyme to admit I have an obsession with seasonings.