Demba Ba- The black sheep of Newcastle

Chef Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting cheese and wine from his local Tesco.
BBC have announced he will be ready steady crooks new host!

I couldn't believe it when I was sacked from my job as a crossword designer for being illiterate.
Words fail me.

The wife pulled me into the kitchen away from our dinner with the mother-in-law last week and hissed "If you don't stop sneaking swearwords into conversation, mark my words I am leaving you." before storming back in.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. After composing myself for a few minutes I casually walked back into the room smiling holding a tray.
"Anyone for coffee then?"

I was telling Down Syndrome jokes at the dinner table, but my wife stormed out in disgust.
She hates it when I call him that.

Since the car accident I've been fed all my meals through a tube and lost a total of 2 stone.
I'm on a crash diet.

Is it just me or is there another guy in front of the mirror?

My mate loves to grind his teeth.
I prefer to use a skateboard.

My mate came running up to me shouting, "Steve.....Don't Move!!"
"Why?!" I said frozen.
"In this dwindling market, it's unlikely you will make a return on your investment"

A bit of advice for hungry young comedians...
Eat something.

After 5 years training to be a therapist I've decided to take a gap year.
I'm now known as 'the rapist'.

When you hold a politician up to your ear, you can hear deceit.

Ariel Laxatives....
Thats another load off your mind.

Why are Medusa and my daughter so similar?
It only takes one stare to make you go stiff.

Tonight I accused my girlfriend of being too thin.
She just snapped.

Great news for Virgin media customers, they are doubling broadband speeds,
I'm so excited I've just got my calculator out to see what zero multiplied by two is.
Oh.

I shouldn't of started that food fight.
Now i've got a bit of a pickle on my hands.

What do you call a Jew that doesn't steal anyone's money or commit crime?
Dead.

If you cant beat em,
Boxing's probably not for you.

My friend just challenged me to guess what food item he was hiding behind his back.
"Well that's a piece of cake" I said.

Whitney Huston dies after a long battle with drugs.
I guess she just cracked.....

My friends keep whispering to me, I am getting really PSSST off.

I'm in a tribute band called "The Paving Slab's",
We cover The Street's.

Hair found at crime scenes often lead to dead ends.

I've recently got a new job cooking for monks.
Out of the frying pan, into the Friar.