It's my first day at the cheese factory and I hate it already. With no instruction, they just told me to separate the curds in this huge vat.
I'm in whey over my head.

I regretted lying on my application form for my new job today as I was thrown straight into the deep end and failed miserably.
Not being able to swim was always going to be hinderance as a lifeguard.

I got fired from my job as the local gynaecologist the other day.
I guess I didn't pull my finger out.

Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

I've just been promoted to manager in my job, and to celebrate, I took my new Ferrari F50 for a spin.
After that, I turned off Need For Speed and got back to flipping burgers in McDonald's.

Slacking off at work before computers would have been so difficult.
You'd have had to painstakingly lay all the solitaire cards out on your desk and everyone would have known you weren't working.

Men & women ran for their lives amid scenes of panic on the streets of Liverpool earlier. Early reports suggest that a local businessman entered a JobCentre in the city at approximately 1:30 in the afternoon & announced that he would like to employ up to 20 people.
In a statement, local Labour MP Luciana Berger said; the businessman's behaviour simply "would not be tolerated" within the city.
Meanwhile, Labour leader Ed Miliband called for claimant's benefits to be hand delivered on silver plateaus to their home addresses in cash form, until the businessman had been apprehended & the risk of being expected to work for a living had subsided.

I lied on my CV to get a job. I claimed I had loads of previous experience in the field and they didn't bother checking.
Within an hour of starting my new job, I was exposed, humiliated and jeered at.
It seems that fat middle-aged blokes don't go down that well in strip clubs...

I was given a disciplinary regarding my poor attendance at work.
Unfortunately I couldn't make it.

When people as me what I do for a living I tell them I'm a paramedic
It's a lot like a normal medic but I'm really concious of what people think about it

Went for a job interview today but I didn't get it because apparently I don't understand basic business.
I told them they could stick their job,
I wouldn't work for them if they paid me

I got a leaflet through my door today, it read 'Post people wanted'.
Why don't they employ these people who post these leaflets instead?

Got kicked out of my job today at the local care home,
Maybe telling one of the spastics not to talk to me in that tone of voice was the wrong thing to say.

Did you hear about the man who got a cushy job in a watch factory?
He just stood around all day making faces.

I used to work as a croupier, until I broke my arm.
I found it hard to deal with.

John goes to work painting white lines on the motorway with a tin of paint and a brush, after the first day he accomplishes 4 mile... later that day his boss congratulates him.
The next day John paints 2 mile of white lines... so his boss said, "yeh thats acceptable."
On the third day he only does 1/4 of a mile... the boss says, "Whats wrong you did 4 mile the first day?"
John replies, "Yeh but the tin keeps getting further away"...

My mates a scientist. He recently got a job at a prestigious research facility. Company car, forty days paid holiday a year, the lot.
Some would say he had it all. Then again, at least I've seen a real live naked lady.

Today I told my boss if he didn't give me a pay rise I was going to strike.
He started, "I'm sorry but in the current economic crisis we simply cannot..."
Then I struck him.

I work in airport security.
It seemed like a natural career path after going to boarding school.

Racial discrimination, it's the only reason I work in Bradford. God I love my job in the housing department.

I went to my doctor with severe back ache.He asked '' Are you working at the moment Mr Smith?''
I replied '' Nope, I'm on a doctor's appointment with back ache.''

My boss just called me into his office and said I need to do more work instead of chewing the fat, or big sandra as everyone else calls her.

So Carlos Tevez refused to get off the bench against Bayern Munich.
Big deal! I don't understand what the fuss is all about. I mean, it's not like he's the first person from Manchester whose refused to work.

I always like to go for a dump when I'm at work: partly because it's the most satisfying and productive thing I do all day, and partly because it's the one thing that I can guarantee won't come back so I'll have to do it again.

I try to let my wife run things at home.
Like the dishwasher, hoover and lawnmower.