That's the last time I ever hire a black kid for my business.
He strutted in this morning on his first day and I asked him "So, have you got a P45 with you?"
"Nah, blud!" He replied, "I carry a .9mm."

I try to let my wife run things at home.
Like the dishwasher, hoover and lawnmower.

I saw a girl with a poster that read: Diagnosed with Bipolar. Can't work. Please help.
I told my mate not to give her anything, she might not be happy about it.

I arrived at work looking morbidly depressed.
My boss said to me, "James, I can see that you're in a really bad place right now."
"I know I am", I replied, "I'm at work."

As if my job as a zookeeper wasn't stressful enough,
Now the Emperor Penguins are trying to turn me to the dark side!

One of my employees asked me, "What do I enter to get an outside line?"
"6517," I replied.
"Nope, that doesn't work," he said.
"That's the code to get out of the building. There's a phone box across the road."

I used to design mazes...
But it was a dead-end job.

I put up 'No Smoking' signs for a living.
I don't do it for the good of my health.

I've gotta say, I really enjoyed Bank Holiday Monday yesterday.
Not sure if my boss did, though. He seems furious with me for some reason.

This dodgy looking guy started work in my office today. He demanded he occasionally work 40 hours sporadically across 7 days.
He's a bit shifty.

It feels like just yesterday when I got sacked for being useless with dates.
When in fact it was two days ago.

I got my paedophile licence yesterday.
Or 'Qualified to Teach Status' as the university called it.

Two MPs are in the lunch queue and discussing what meal they are going to have:
"I'm going all out today," says the first one, "a 5 course lunch with a couple of bottles of wine - it costs 250 but it's OK because I can claim it on expenses and the taxpayers will get stuck with the bill! Will you be having the same?"
The second MP laughs and says, "No, just a fruit salad for me today," as he reaches for a tub of fruit.
The first MP is baffled and exclaims, "But you can have as much as you like and you don't have to pay a penny! Just put it on your credit card and submit your receipt with the expense claim and you'll be reimbursed in full!"
"Ah, you misunderstand me," replies the second one. "I'm going to itemise my fruit salad as 3 apples and 2 blackberries," he continues, reaching into a Carphone Warehouse bag for the receipts....

I never ever talked to my dad,
He was a bus driver and your not allowed to

I recently got sacked from my job making doors.
I just couldn't handle it.

I took a month off work to go travelling across America.
Before I left my boss said "Now I don't want you to worry about your job whilst you're away..."
I said, "Thanks Boss."
"Which is why I'm firing you now." he added.

Im going to start my own guttering business, at the moment its just a pipe dream.

We've got an emergency gas mains leak to repair by Big Ben
We're working around the clock

I was sat on the school bus when I noticed Kelsey Jones the hottest girl in year 10. I sat next to her and started to work my magic but to my surprise the driver kicked me off saying I was sick, Apparently catchin the schoolbus to work is not allowed.

I'm watching a programme about customs at Sydney airport. The officer is expressing concerns that some black guy is going to try and find work when he enters the country.
Ha ha - you gotta love that Aussie sense of humour.

My boss came up to me at work today and said "Dave i'm not sure this company could survive without you,
but as from monday we are going find out.".

My girlfriend asked me a question "what do you do as a job". I said "if I tell I would have to kill you".
So I killed her.

When i worked at the jewellers i was accused of stealing a valuable broach..
But they just couldn`t pin it on me..

I got sacked from my job because of what I pinned up on the public noticeboard.
My boss.

I've just seen a bunch of people raiding amusic shop stealing violins and trumpets, so I've decided to step in.
I'm taking a stand.