I've just seen a bunch of people raiding amusic shop stealing violins and trumpets, so I've decided to step in.
I'm taking a stand.

When i worked at the jewellers i was accused of stealing a valuable broach..
But they just couldn`t pin it on me..

We've got an emergency gas mains leak to repair by Big Ben
We're working around the clock

Im going to start my own guttering business, at the moment its just a pipe dream.

I took a month off work to go travelling across America.
Before I left my boss said "Now I don't want you to worry about your job whilst you're away..."
I said, "Thanks Boss."
"Which is why I'm firing you now." he added.

I recently got sacked from my job making doors.
I just couldn't handle it.

I never ever talked to my dad,
He was a bus driver and your not allowed to

Two MPs are in the lunch queue and discussing what meal they are going to have:
"I'm going all out today," says the first one, "a 5 course lunch with a couple of bottles of wine - it costs 250 but it's OK because I can claim it on expenses and the taxpayers will get stuck with the bill! Will you be having the same?"
The second MP laughs and says, "No, just a fruit salad for me today," as he reaches for a tub of fruit.
The first MP is baffled and exclaims, "But you can have as much as you like and you don't have to pay a penny! Just put it on your credit card and submit your receipt with the expense claim and you'll be reimbursed in full!"
"Ah, you misunderstand me," replies the second one. "I'm going to itemise my fruit salad as 3 apples and 2 blackberries," he continues, reaching into a Carphone Warehouse bag for the receipts....

I got my paedophile licence yesterday.
Or 'Qualified to Teach Status' as the university called it.

My idea for a new business has been a disaster.
But when I think about it now, a Cash For Gold service in Australia probably wasn't the greatest plan.

My boss stopped a meeting today due to my 'disruptive behaviour', he pulled me to one side and told me that if I continued to act in such a juvenile manner then I would be severely penalised.
I couldn't help but laugh; 'penalised' sounds a little bit rude.

I recently took part in an advert for antiperspirant. Easiest job I've ever had.
It was no sweat.

I had a few drinks yesterday and ended up knocking some guys teeth down his throat.
I was never cut out to be a dentist.

I got sacked from my job as a lumberjack.
They said I couldn't hack it.

My boss called me into his office today and said, "I'm terminating your employment with us because your attention span is not very long."
"My attention what?" I replied.

My bin man told me he suffers from manic depression.
I told him not to be down in the dumps.

Yay, got a job at Asda today, on the fish counters.
I knew i Haddock in me....

Just lost my job as a maintenance engineer for JCB. My manager said I was completely incompetent and struggled to maintain anything since the day I started.
Apparently maintaining an erection for eight hours on 'bring your kids to work' day doesn't count.

I had to quit my new job because of illness and fatigue.
The boss was sick and tired of me.

In a disciplinary hearing my boss said he was 'lost for words' at my recent conduct.
I couldn't resist pointing out that he obviously wasn't...

I'm getting bored sitting around all day watching UK gold.
I thought being a guard at the Bank Of England would be more exciting.

The boss came early in the morning one day and found one of his workers kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The worker replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Got my fastest serve today recorded at 135MPH.
My job as a waiter didn't last long.

My boss fired me when he saw me drunk in the street with a cone on my head.
He said I should've been sober and inside the ice cream van.

I came to a store and said:
"You're gonna give me a condom"
Cashier: "Couldn't you say that on a polite way?"
So I went out and put my underwear down came back and said:
"Could you give me a working suit for the gentleman, please?"