I never ever talked to my dad,
He was a bus driver and your not allowed to

I recently got sacked from my job making doors.
I just couldn't handle it.

I took a month off work to go travelling across America.
Before I left my boss said "Now I don't want you to worry about your job whilst you're away..."
I said, "Thanks Boss."
"Which is why I'm firing you now." he added.

Im going to start my own guttering business, at the moment its just a pipe dream.

We've got an emergency gas mains leak to repair by Big Ben
We're working around the clock

When i worked at the jewellers i was accused of stealing a valuable broach..
But they just couldn`t pin it on me..

I've just seen a bunch of people raiding amusic shop stealing violins and trumpets, so I've decided to step in.
I'm taking a stand.

I got sacked from my job because of what I pinned up on the public noticeboard.
My boss.

I was sat on the school bus when I noticed Kelsey Jones the hottest girl in year 10. I sat next to her and started to work my magic but to my surprise the driver kicked me off saying I was sick, Apparently catchin the schoolbus to work is not allowed.

My girlfriend asked me a question "what do you do as a job". I said "if I tell I would have to kill you".
So I killed her.

My boss came up to me at work today and said "Dave i'm not sure this company could survive without you,
but as from monday we are going find out.".

I'm watching a programme about customs at Sydney airport. The officer is expressing concerns that some black guy is going to try and find work when he enters the country.
Ha ha - you gotta love that Aussie sense of humour.

I came to a store and said:
"You're gonna give me a condom"
Cashier: "Couldn't you say that on a polite way?"
So I went out and put my underwear down came back and said:
"Could you give me a working suit for the gentleman, please?"

I had a few drinks yesterday and ended up knocking some guys teeth down his throat.
I was never cut out to be a dentist.

I got sacked from my job as a lumberjack.
They said I couldn't hack it.

My boss called me into his office today and said, "I'm terminating your employment with us because your attention span is not very long."
"My attention what?" I replied.

My bin man told me he suffers from manic depression.
I told him not to be down in the dumps.

Yay, got a job at Asda today, on the fish counters.
I knew i Haddock in me....

Just lost my job as a maintenance engineer for JCB. My manager said I was completely incompetent and struggled to maintain anything since the day I started.
Apparently maintaining an erection for eight hours on 'bring your kids to work' day doesn't count.

I had to quit my new job because of illness and fatigue.
The boss was sick and tired of me.

In a disciplinary hearing my boss said he was 'lost for words' at my recent conduct.
I couldn't resist pointing out that he obviously wasn't...

I'm getting bored sitting around all day watching UK gold.
I thought being a guard at the Bank Of England would be more exciting.

The boss came early in the morning one day and found one of his workers kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The worker replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Got my fastest serve today recorded at 135MPH.
My job as a waiter didn't last long.

I was walking through town earlier, when I saw a window of opportunity.
I don't know why I bother looking in the job centre really.