At 5 o'clock, my boss finished work and noticed I was standing beside the entrance to the building.
He said, "I've been looking for you all day, why are you standing there?"
I replied, "Because, earlier I came into your office, then you told me to wait outside."

I wasn't ill when I called in sick to work today.
But after 5 hours of Jeremy Kyle and Antiques Roadshow, I was starting to feel genuinely ill.

My boss said "You've messed up for the last time. I'll have your job for this.".
I said "Cool, can I have yours?"

I'm a farmer & autumn can be a busy time with all that preparation for sowing new crops. It gets really stressful sometimes.
In fact it's usually quite harrowing...

All I do at work is presentations for my colleagues, it's just slide after slide after slide.
In fact, working for Toys 'R' Us is quite fun!

How many times did the dyslexic guy apply for a job at an electricity provider?
Eon.

It was "all go" in work today.
Everyone got made redundant.

I was walking through town earlier, when I saw a window of opportunity.
I don't know why I bother looking in the job centre really.

My boss has given me a new position at work.
Outside the building.

Two Irish guys are chatting up a girl in London.
She asks So what do you boys do then?
Turf cutter says the first.
Pilot says the second.
The girl remarks Thats a strange combination for two friends isnt it?
Not at all says the second guy, He cuts the turf and I pile it

I've been trying to get promoted at work for ages now. Killing the boss at the end of the level clearly doesn't work in real life.

Just seen that Syed from Eastenders real name is Marc Elliott..must be a carry over from the call centre he used to work at in Bombay before he was an actor.

CNN.com International News: "Mexico police chief's status in question".
It really does wind me up when employers take Facebook so seriously.

Express and Star:
"The national jobless total jumped by 27,000 in three months
However, in Kidderminster there were a slight fall of 3.8 percent..."
Judging by that grammar its going to be 27,001 soon...

The plumber called me this morning and said he couldn't finish fitting my boiler as he had the flu.
I asked, "but isn't that the only bit you need?"

got a new job. i am now an Underwater Ceramics Technician.
well, i say that, i am more of a dishwasher...

Even in these uncertain economic times, my taxi business is picking up.
And dropping off.

Today I decided to leave work an hour early.
You should have seen the look on the co-pilot's face as I grabbed the parachute.

My job really puts food on the table
I'm a waiter.

I work in an office and my boss asked me to access some details on another site, but it said I needed to be registered. So I phoned him up and said "I need to get a log on."
"I'm touching myself", he replied
Wow, Monday morning is going to be awkward.

Becoming a social worker is a truly beautiful and fulfilling job.
I no longer need an excuse to take people's kids away.

My boss called me in to his office the other day
"you wanted to see me boss?" I said
"thats right" he replied, "your productivity levels are slipping, you need to seriously increase your volume otherwise I may have to let you go"
I replied "FAIR ENOUGH BOSS, BUT HOW'S THIS GOING TO HELP MY WORK?"

I think I ruined my chance to get a job at the hospital after the interview.
Whenever they asked me, "If a patient was brought in here after a bad accident, and is bleeding very badly, what is the first thing you'd do?"
I replied, "Faint."

Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.

Don't you think that Pole Dancers will make scaffolding more interesting?
plus then the workers will turn up on time.