Even in these uncertain economic times, my taxi business is picking up.
And dropping off.

got a new job. i am now an Underwater Ceramics Technician.
well, i say that, i am more of a dishwasher...

The plumber called me this morning and said he couldn't finish fitting my boiler as he had the flu.
I asked, "but isn't that the only bit you need?"

Express and Star:
"The national jobless total jumped by 27,000 in three months
However, in Kidderminster there were a slight fall of 3.8 percent..."
Judging by that grammar its going to be 27,001 soon...

CNN.com International News: "Mexico police chief's status in question".
It really does wind me up when employers take Facebook so seriously.

Just seen that Syed from Eastenders real name is Marc Elliott..must be a carry over from the call centre he used to work at in Bombay before he was an actor.

I've been trying to get promoted at work for ages now. Killing the boss at the end of the level clearly doesn't work in real life.

Two Irish guys are chatting up a girl in London.
She asks So what do you boys do then?
Turf cutter says the first.
Pilot says the second.
The girl remarks Thats a strange combination for two friends isnt it?
Not at all says the second guy, He cuts the turf and I pile it

I felt too ill to make it to my work at the Samaritan so rang in sick to explain I couldn't come in.
They convinced me otherwise.

I've developed a simple and guaranteed way of getting a pay rise.
I call it, "Doing less work".

Bit of hardwork never killed anyone.
...Except my nan when i forced her to paint my house.

Gynecology-Turn your hobby in to a job

I am in the air force parachute regiment.
Yesterday I went on my first mission, which was dropping in over a war-torn country.
As I fell
30,000ft
20,000ft
10,00ft
5,000ft
I pulled the cord.
My kagool tightened.

I'm so excited about starting my new job on monday. I spoke to the boss today and he told me all about the roles I'll be expected to fill.
I must admit, I never thought I'd end up working at Subway.

I got a job at my local garage changing wheels,
It's quite tiring

I got the sack from a kids mask factory the other day.
I just sat around, making faces.

My boss called me into his office today and said, "I've just gone over your sales figures, and they're not what I expected. You told me you could sell snow to the Eskimo's when you applied for the job."
I said, "I can, but we don't get many Eskimo's coming in to buy snow in Currys."

I put the cat amongst the pigeons at work today.
Got me the sack from the bird sanctuary.

I hate having to go down to the Jobcentre- I'm surrounded by people who are lazy, have no skills, stink of booze and are content to live off the taxpayers teat.
And then we have to open up and deal with all the unemployed people.

I'm taking my boss to court.
I'm his chauffeur.

A Union boss is telling his son a bedtime story
"Once upon a time and a half...."

As I got in from work last night, the wife said:
"Everything alright love, did you have a good day?"
"I think I've made a mistake" I replied, "I was really rude with my boss earlier."
"Oh no, what did you call him?" she asked.
"Nothing" I said, "I rimmed him in the stationary cupboard."

It's my job to torture the Muslims for information.
Well, I've nothing better to do than call up those foreign call centres.

I love those phones where you have the option for the alarm not to ring when the phone's on silent.
Like for when you're in a meeting, but asleep.

My father was a traffic cop and always lived life to the limit...
Never over the limit, always to the limit.