My wife told me today that I take everything too literally and that I need to chill out.
It's okay though, after explaining to her that I don't take life too literally and informing her that I prefer my body temperature at a normal, working level, we resolved the conversation and I continued with my day.

In my job I'm used used to seeing hot screaming women, I'm a fireman.

My jobcentre advisor offered me a position today, blowing on people to cool them down.
Can't say I'm a fan.

I shaved a hedgehog today...
It was pointless.

Some bloke lost his job at the Coleman's factory.
He just didn't cut the mustard.

As I sat down to eat lunch in the office staff room I couldn't help getting annoyed at the fire alarm constantly going off.
I don't even know why I became a fireman in the first place.

It's my job to torture the Muslims for information.
Well, I've nothing better to do than call up those foreign call centres.

I love those phones where you have the option for the alarm not to ring when the phone's on silent.
Like for when you're in a meeting, but asleep.

My father was a traffic cop and always lived life to the limit...
Never over the limit, always to the limit.

The most horrible job in the world must be a coffee taster......
I mean,how do they sleep at nights?

I need a ladder but I can't afford one.
So, steps will have to be taken.

I've just started a new job, and already I've set myself a new target.
The Paki kid in accounts.

I've always been a very creative person.
Which is why I didn't last very long as an accountant.

Sometimes, I put clothes in the wash that I never wear.
I like to give my washing machine a break from the monotony, like a little holiday.

Everyone lies on their CV and at job interviews.
For instance, at an interview today, I told the bloke I was an adrenaline junkie.
In reality, I'm just a heroin addict who uses dirty needles.

I was in a queue at the petrol station today and noticed the bloke's right arm in front of me was slightly darker than the other. He saw me looking so I nodded to his arm and said "truck driver?" he replied "no, vet."

I've told my new girlfriend that I work I'm a cryogenic engineer.
I think it sounds more exotic than, "I stock the freezers at Asda."

In my chosen career, I get to travel a lot.
It sounds a lot better than saying its quite a walk to the job centre from my house.

I called one of my employees into my office for a review. I told him that I was quite satisfied about his work, and said to him: 'what about a pay raise between eight and nine hundred quid?'
'Wow', he said, that would be great'
'OK', I replied, '8 quid it is then'

Finally quit my job as a fortune teller.
I see no future in it.

Just got fired from work today,
Apparently me and my boss have very different perceptions of the term:
"Show me what you're made of".

I got a promotion today by simply attaching a mirror to my back.
Apparently my boss could see himself in me.

My Dad thinks he's going to get a watch for 25 years reliable service.
He hasn't missed one single signing on day yet.

My mate said he'd love to work in a shipyard.
Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

My new job as a paramedic is excellent.
The pay isn't great mind you, so I make a little cash on the side by selling the unneeded phones to mazumamobile.com