Boss: Why aren't you working!?
Me: Because i didn't see you coming

I always wanted to be a negotiator, but I was talked out of it.

As a manager, I tell all my employees to go the extra mile when they are working.
They aren't doing a good job though, already my taxi company has had over 300 complaints.

Due to financial problems in my company, I've had to introduce some cost-cutting steps.
They're just outside the front doors and I've pushed 6 employees down them already.

My parents once said that I'd never amount to anything because I had a childish imagination and unrealistic prospects.
I can't wait to tell them I've proved them wrong and that I'm the newest member of the Power Rangers.

Ashamed of being reconised while signing on at the dole office ??
Then simply log onto Facebook chat around 2:13am any morning, see whos online and avoid them.

I love my new ride, I pick up all sorts of hot chicks everyday.
I guess that's one of the perks of being a bus driver.

New guy started at work today, stupid idiot asked
"How long is my lunch hour?"

I don't know why people hate Mondays so much.
I'm on the dole and I don't mind them.

WANTED: Suicide Bomber!
Salary: $100,000 for just one hour of work!
Opportunities like this only come once in a lifetime!

I'm making a fortune in my job as a door-to-door salesman of "NO DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMEN" signs.

Everytime Garth Crooks pops up on Match of the Day I can't help but think "maybe it's a good thing more black people don't have jobs".

A tip to all my fellow sickepedians.
In the Achievements section of your CV it is ill advised to put your Sickipedia Score.

I considered quitting my job in the electronics factory today.
But I have decided to solder on.

All work and no play makes Jack,
A valuable member of society.

I got fired from my Life Insurance job after the first day for being inappropriately dressed.
I thought I was taking the initiative by wearing a grim reaper costume.

I have quit my job as a butcher I was struggling to make ends meat.

I've just walked past Macdonalds and there's a queue from the managers office, all the way up the high street. ! Then i realised...
Its A Level results day.

I went for an appointment at the jobcentre earlier. My advisor was 20 minutes late, she seemed completely disorganised, and took a further 5 minutes finding my paperwork. I wasn't overly impressed.
Finally she sat down and asked me, "So, what jobs are you thinking of applying for this week?"
"Yours" I replied.

Sorry Kate and Gerry but you wont find Maddie on Jamrags.com.
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But you will find her in the factory making the t-shirts.

A coach carrying a hundred professional stuntmen to a convention had an accident on the motorway. It crashed through the central reservation,ploughed into a juggernaut,fell thirty feet down an embankment and turned over six times before hitting a wall,bursting into flames and exploding.No one was injured.

Apparently I snore so loud that it actually scares people.
Well that's what the management at Easyjet said before they fired me.

My mate's part of the Olympic Fencing team.
He did the bit round the beach volleyball court.

I always thought i wanted a career, as it turns out, i just wanted the paychecks.

Funny how you never hear these women who want equal pay and equality talking about retirement age isn't it?