Girls didn't seem that impressed when I told them I work at a fishery, guiding anglers towards the best places to fish.
So now I just tell them I'm a casting director.

When asked about my ultimate goal at a job interview - I was told Tony Yeboah '95 wasn't a suitable answer

Reasons why you should be allowed to get drunk at work:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Terence Kealey, vice-chancellor of Buckingham University, has said that. "Female students are a perk for male teachers."
As a fellow teacher, I couldn't agree more, however when I echoed this remark to one of my colleagues, they got me fired from the nursery.

Someone at work has stolen my Crimestoppers promotional pen
I don't know who to ring about it!

I left the office door open last night and my staff aren't happy with me.
I came in to a frosty reception this morning.

My employers pay me just enough to stop me quitting.
So I do just enough work to not get sacked.

I recently went for a job at the head office of the Ordnance Survey.
They kept asking if I could give them a reference.
I told them, "N 50.93, W 01.47."

The airlift to bring home customers of collapsed travel operator XL Leisure involved flying home 5,000 desperate holidaymakers from Magaluf to Liverpool.
Luckily they arrived just in time to collect their JobSeekers Allowances.

Thanks to my girlfriend I'm going hungry at work.
She put a penguin in with my lunch, and it ate my tuna sandwiches.

I went for a job interview at a large clothes retail outlet.
It was going quite well when she said, "You will be situated in our super sized section so you will be catering for the larger woman, is this something that appeals to you?"
"Only after a few pints." I winked.

I've been trying to get my computer to work.
But, when I got it there, they already had loads.

The Royal Mail are axing 1700 jobs.........
On the up side, the postal workers are being informed by letter, so they won't know about it for a couple of months yet.

My local job centre is rubbish. They asked me if I had any specific skills.
"Yes, I worked as a joiner for 8 years and as a butcher for 10 years" I said.
I start at Cow and Gate on Monday.

I've just started working as a writer.
I only have to go into the office every couple of weeks and show them what I've done.
Come to think of it, it's pretty much the same as when I was unemployed but I get paid less.

I was messing around with my mate at the pottery factory yesterday and we got locked in the kiln.
The boss fired us both.

I was cross dressing this morning, not only had I overslept, there was no hot water and we'd run out of milk....

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Just had a new bloke start in our office at work, the annoying thing is he is black..... there goes our lunch time banter!

At my local supermarket we have to pay to park so everyone just gives each other their tickets if there is a reasonable amount of time left on them.
I do the same but with out of date tickets. It makes my job as a traffic warden much more rewarding.

I was filling in for a mate last week.
He'll be in big trouble if anyone finds out I'm not a real dentist.

My memory has become so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.

I got fired in my first day as a taxi driver today.
Apparently "Go to wheelchair-bound Mrs Smith's house and take her up the bingo" doesn't mean what I thought it did.

I start my new job as a forklift driver today. I've no experience, but I'll be OK...
...I pick things up quickly.

I've been really depressed about my weight recently.
I feel like going to the top of the nearest building and hurling myself off.
But I'm sure I'll bounce back.