The pen is mightier than the sword.
This is why I choose to work for Staples instead of becoming a Ninja.

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

I've just taken up face painting. Yesterday I made a little boy look like a monkey.
His parents went mental.
How was I supposed to know they were having an open coffin?

I went into work today and asked for a pay rise,and my boss said yeah - I was astounded that he would be so understanding. Until he took out a gun, shot me in the knee, and gave me a benefits claim form.

There's something about the new girl in my sales team that I can't quite put my finger on.
Well not without another tribunal to answer to anyway.

I've got a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

So the BNP have taken 2 seats in the European Parliament.
What is it with these migrants, going over there, taking their jobs.

I've been working on a big case at work for the last couple of weeks.
I'm sick, wish they would give me a desk.

I'm a London train driver and I'm just pulling out of Victoria.
Bring your kids to work day, fantastic.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher but when I got older I realised there was no future in it.

My mate packed in his job at McDonalds. He couldn't take it any more. He said the boss was a clown.

My work announced today that our call centre is being moved to India.
I can't wait. It will be nice moving to somehwere hot and on my salary I will be able to live like a king.

My dad and I were talking yesterday about my future career. When he asked the question, "Do you know what made me want to become a doctor?"
Apparently, "So you could touch little kids without getting arrested?" wasn't the right answer.

My Manager called me into his office and asked if I was going to the dance.
I asked ' what dance? '
He said ' The Redun-dance '
My boss is not very sympathetic when it comes to laying off staff.

I was told by my work colleagues that my boss was going to sack me today, so I thought I'd get in there first.
Unfortunately It turns out that I don't have the power to sack him.

Judging by how regularly i check this site at work, I suspect my employer is a racist bigot. For eg. facebook is inaccesable, however this site always is.
Hi Kevin !

My last job interview did not go well.
The guy asked me to show him my testimonials.
Next thing I know I'm being escorted off the premises.

I don't know what is the hardest part of a job interview.
Memorising the job description or memorising all the lies you wrote about yourself in the application form.

Everyone in my office was really hot this afternoon.
I probably shouldn't have had that fifth beer at lunchtime.

The manager of a large office noticed a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

My boss is always onto me for being late in work.
I make up for it though by leaving early.

I've just been fired from my job as a Sinatra lookalike........
Just not good enough, to be Frank

What do you call a bunch of black guys on an oil drilling platform?
Riggers.

I met my new boss today.
She said, "I want you to know I'm a feminist."
I replied, "That's great, I hate women too."