Boss: Why aren't you working?
Me: There's nothing to do.
Boss: Well, pretend that you're working.
Me: Wouldn't it be easier if YOU pretended I was working?

Affairs in the workplace.
Putting the secret into secretary.

I just got fired from my job at the abattoir. Apparently I took too much pleasure in killing small defenceless animals.
So I got a new job in a Bradford abortion clinic.

I had to deliver a parcel to the surgery today.
It was just what the doctor ordered

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

I quit my job as a gas man today.
Too much pressure.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted."
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again."
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director."
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?"
And I said, "I careered off the road."

Being a prison guard has to be the easiest job ever.
I mean, who's going to steal a prison?

I've landed a job talking to oriental immigrants about their future employment prospects.
I'm a Korea Advisor.

The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?"
I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels
He's the Spokesman.

I refuse to let my son become a mime. It's frightening how many of them end up on the street.

Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

I said to my wife this morning, "You look like death"
She said, "I haven't done my make up yet!"
I said, "That doesn't really explain the hooded cloak and scythe"

My wife went for a job interview to work at an old people's home.
She got the job and when she came home she wasn't really bothered.
I don't think she cares.

There's a mixed-race lad at work.
He only works half a day.

My boss just caught me day dreaming and told me to get back to work.
I will... just have to feed the unicorns first.

I've left school now so I had a discussion with my careers adviser.
But I couldn't help but think, "If you're a careers adviser, where did you go wrong?"

I was in a job interview today, the interviewer asked, "Have you ever had to think on your feet?"
I said, "Yes, quite often I find myself wondering where to sit down?"

I dig graves for a living.
It wasn't a planned career, I just fell into it.

I love being a maze designer.
I get completely lost in my work.

I went for a job as a handyman.
"Can you lay bricks?"
"No"
"Can you plaster?"
"No"
"Can you do any carpentry?"
"No"
"Then why are you handy?"
"I only live round the corner"

If tennis players get 'Tennis elbow' and squash players get 'Squash Knees', do gynecologists get 'Tunnel Vision?'

I keep seeing these signs reading, "Make money at home in your spare time." I thought, "What a great idea!"
It turns out that's illegal, and it's called counterfeiting.

Confuse German barstaff by asking for a lager in English, but saying please in German.