I've just been sacked from my job for falling asleep.
I protested that a lot of people fall asleep on the job and it's no big deal.
They said if I worked in an office it wouldn't be an issue but when I'm driving a train it's pretty serious.

I have done nothing all day apart from go to the shops.
I am not lazy, I am just preparing for retirement.

The bin men said they wont collect my rubbish. I emailed them about it and all I got back was:
refuse waste service.

All this talk about it being a waste of money doing a degree is nonsense.
As a recent media studies graduate I've got at least three multinationals knocking at my door.
Pizza Hut, KFC and McDonalds!

The first job I ever had was working in a supermarket, it was my job to hand out samples of things for people to taste.
But I was asked to leave after 'the little cups of bleach incident'.
After that I worked in a pathology lab, but I was asked to leave after one of my reports said 'cause of death: autopsy'

Sun .. Sand .. Water...
We need workers for a construction site!

It's no fun being a tightrope walker.
My jobs always on the line.

I wanted to join a medieval troupe but didn't have any qualifications.
I had to go to knight school.......

I rang my boss this morning.
I said, "I'm not going to be in today"
He said, "Why not?"
I said, "Because I'll be at work with you obviously"

These days I get the same answer from potential employers that I do from dodgy ones.
"There's a Czech in the post."

If you want to make money, be a plumber!
My Uncles are plumbers, and they're so successful they can afford to spend all day with their mates.
Racing their karts around their little race track.

I saw a sign today which said "Free Cash Withdrawls"
I thought, those are what you go through when coming off the dole, right?

I don't mean to sound big headed but I'm pretty sure my boss hired me for my motivational skills.
Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

Do you want to live the high life?
Become a crane operator.

The other day I was in the process of buying a pair of nike shoes, when a man came upto me and said:
"Are you sure you want to buy a product that a small indian child was forced to make for the equivalent of 5p?"
I replied:
"Somebody has to employ them."

Working at the abattoir is no good for my health.
Everyday I feel offal.

I got a new job at a Chinese restaurant. It's dog eat dog!

Sometimes i wonder what my grandfather would think of my profession these days, he worked in a kebab business. He was burried with his equipment.
He's probably turning in his grave.

"It's 9am monday morning and I have just logged in at work"
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I recently went for a job slaughtering pigs.
Unfortunatly i didn't make the cut.

My wife left me because I spend too much time at work.
At least that's what I think, I missed a call from her the other week whilst out for drinks with a client on our anniversary.
I knew it was for real when I ran out of ironed shirts.

Having been on job seekers allowance for most of my
adult life, I was pleased to hear that the job centre had finally
found me a job.
The role was " technician " on board a submarine ,
I stuck it out for as long as I could but in the end had to leave.
I was completely out of my depth

I tried to give my boss a letter saying I didn't want to work for him anymore but he didn't take any notice.

My jobs a bit up and down.
I'm a Lift Attendant.

I never query plumbers that are working in my house as I don't want them to charge even more money.
Luckily, I don't speak Polish anyway.