I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.

I said to my boss this morning, "sorry I'm late, there was a big pile-up on the Highway 61."
He replied, "But that's thousands of miles away in America."
"I know, I was watching it on the news."

I'm constantly having to separate fact from fiction.
I hate being a Librarian.

I went to the art gallery today and saw some still life.
Council workmen were on a job outside.

I walked into the pet shop yesterday and saw an old mate working there. I said, "alright Davey, don't you work in Burger King anymore then?"
"Nah, moved on since then. What can I get you?"
"Glad to hear it. I'm looking for a tropical frog."
"Do you want flies with that?"

I went for a job interview today.
The bloke said, "where do you see yourself in ten years' time?"
I said, "same as now - in photos and mirrors".

My wife's dentist says "she has the best set of teeth he has ever come across."
What does he mean?

I used to have a job working backstage in a strip club, it was 25 pounds an hour.
I know that sounds like a lot, but i could afford it at the time.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

I haven't been in work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

I went to the Job Centre for an interview.
I said: 'I ain't got no qualifications, no skills and as for my customer service, sod off.'
She said: 'Great, you're exactly what they're after at PC world'.

A beautiful woman is lying in a hospital bed about to undergo minor surgery. Soon after she is wheeled into the corridor by a nurse, then left alone.
While the nurse is away, a young man in a white coat approaches the girl, takes the sheets away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and starts examining her.
When a third man comes over and begins to examine her body, the girl begins to grow impatient. "All of this examining is great, you guys are really thorough," she says. "But when will I be having my operation?"
The first man shrugs his shoulders. "Beats me. We're just painting the landing."

Thank you so much Sickipedia.
Thanks to this amazing site, my employer has just awarded me with a formal warning.

I got fired at work today.
My boss said my communication skills were awful.
I didn't know what to say to that.

A very attractive young woman came up to me today and asked me to get her a drink.
Then I remembered.
I was serving behind the bar.

A man goes up to his bosses office and says, "Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other companies are after me."
"Well is that a fact?" his boss asked, "Well which companies would they be?"
The man replies, "The electric, phone and gas companies"

I went for a job interview. The interviewer told me I would earn 1200 per month. Then after six months I would be on 1400 per month. I told him I'd start in six months time.

I'm very displeased with the terms under which my job at the cannon factory ended...
They fired me.

Never work with your girlfriend!
I met mine at work.
I mean, at first there's the bonuses like getting to stare at her hot body all day and sneaking off for a quickie in the toilets.
But then there are the downsides - She always asks me stupid questions, tries to show me off to her friends, leaves me annoying presents on my desk and writes me barely hidden messages in her reports...
And having to give her detention.

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said an employer to a prospective employee.
"I'm your man," replied the potential employee. "On my last job, every time things went wrong, they said I was responsible".

My boss hauled me into his office and accused me of skiving the day before.
He said "you called in sick and I know you played golf." I said "that's nonsense and I've got the fish to prove it."

My job is to sort out prisoner's letters and packages, or blackmail as I like to call it.

I love it how people can't get to work in the morning when it snows but they're perfectly capable of getting home when it snows during work.

I quit my job working for Nike.
Just couldn't do it anymore.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.
He seemed like a decent feller.