Tip for out of work actors:
Pretend you have some work, and hey presto, you're working.

I got wheel clamped parked outside the bank today. My boss went mental.
He says I'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.

I saw a sign today that read: Tiredness kills, take a break.
So I pulled over and went to sleep.
When I woke up I felt great and was ready to drive again.
I was 5 hours late for work though.

What is it about people who repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting keys?

My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

A guy at work asked, "Do you watch the Apprentice?"
I said, "Thank god, I'm not the only one, I actually found myself sneaking in to watch her on the toilet last week."
I'm off down the job centre in the morning.

You know it's been a good office party when your P45 arrives at your house before you do.

I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read "Future Events."
Well, that's a sign of things to come.

Wanted: Security guard to work one night shift, every six months.
Excellent pay
Location: Antarctica
Hours per shift: 4,032

I saw a woman lying unconscious in the High Street today. People were just walking past and ignoring her.
My mate asked, "Why has no-one stopped to help her? It's disgusting."
I said, "Well that's society today, I'm afraid. Poor woman, people just don't care any more... Anyway, fancy something to eat... Stick the sirens on and we'll get through the traffic before McDonald's stops doing breakfast."

The company I work for state clearly in the protocol that they do not tolerate racism in the workplace.
Apparently they don't tolerate it in the car park either.

I did some odd jobs around the house today.
I vacuumed the ceiling, painted the oven and built a new door-way.

My family think I'm a bike stunts-man.
"Always pulling wheelies," I tell them.
The sad truth is, I'm a bin-man.

At a recent job interview:
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I'm Batman.

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

I have just been for my first job interview.
I didn't get it - apparently making the "Hot Jokes Today" on Sickipedia doesn't make up for having no GCSEs.

I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why? When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?

A guy phones up his workplace on a Monday morning...
"Sorry Boss, I can't come in today, I'm sick"
"Dave this is the third Monday in a row you're had off. Just how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my little sister at the moment if that's any help."

My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said,
"You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
"Not particularly," I replied.

Going around a council estate on a weekday morning dressed in a suit pretending to be a bailiff is a great way to get free blow-jobs.

There was an accident on the motorway today.
I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.

Once you go black, you never go back.... to work.

My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?"
"Yes, I think so," I replied.
"I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."

What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?
None.
You just pick it up as you go along!

University is hard. We work 11 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 2 weeks a year.