Sometimes i wonder what my grandfather would think of my profession these days, he worked in a kebab business. He was burried with his equipment.
He's probably turning in his grave.

I got a new job at a Chinese restaurant. It's dog eat dog!

Working at the abattoir is no good for my health.
Everyday I feel offal.

Tired of being ignored by the staff in B&Q?
Simply put a pencil behind your ear and they'll rush over to help the 'professional builder'.

This Anti-cuts protest will really have an effect on my hairdressing business.

I cant belive the complete pack of lies my mate told in his latest job interview,and unbeliveably,he got the job.
He starts as a psychic on monday.

Up to 1,500 people are going to be made redundant by train builder Bombardier after a key contract was awarded to a German firm.
The firm's employees are not chuffed.

It's amazing the amount of poles I work with & I can't stand them.
Thinking about it, maybe the scaffolding business isn't for me after all.

Notice to Employees
(Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY I
n the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.
This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management

I am such a good employee, I was even working during lunch today!
I work at Subway....

My job really sucks.
I work in a hoover development factory.

I was at work the other day when I realised I'd forgotten something, so I told my boss calmly;
'Sorry but I'm going to have to leave early, I've got to pick the kids up from school...before their parents get there.'

Took my 3 year old son into work with me at the royal mail sorting office, you should have seen him throwing parcels around, jumping up and down on them, they offered him a guaranteed job as soon as he turns 16.

My last interview ended with an offer....
To call Security if I didn't leave immediately.

FUN FACT: Of all the professions, Chimney Sweeps have the worst carbon footprint

A Native American friend works on the trading floor and gives me great insider information.
He's always got his ear to the ground.

Did you hear the one about the narcoleptic shepherd?

The boss sacked me today. He found out I was continually making jokes in the office about his fat wife.
He said, "There was absolutely no excuse for such behaviour".
I must admit, he had me over a barrel.

I can't stand station announcers.
They're attention seekers.

I was suspended from work today after dress down thursday.
That,and banned from working with any of the women I de clothed during the course of the day.

The salesman left the house in a hurry to go to work.
As she did every morning, his wife began her Yoga exercises in bed.
The man realised he had left his briefcase in the bedroom, he went
back into the house to recover it.
When he entered the bedroom, his wife was on her back, naked, with her legs elevated above her head.
Barely glancing at her as he rushed back with his briefcase, he said, "For God's sake, comb
your hair and brush your teeth. You're getting to look more like your mother
every day."

My boss said to me, "I'm not happy, you have only been doing very minimal work for me. You should be showing me that you are willing to go the extra mile."
I said, "But I'm not."

I used to have a problem going off track.
It doesn't happen as often now, British rail fired me.

I lost my job at the teddy bear factory today. They said I lied about my previous experience on my CV.
"I did not lie," I raged, "You just misunderstood. I really did spend 6 months working as a Fluffer."

I arrived at work this morning to be met by my boss who said he would really like to see me.
I said "I'm really flattered, but sorry, I'm straight."