I have done nothing all day apart from go to the shops.
I am not lazy, I am just preparing for retirement.

I've just been sacked from my job for falling asleep.
I protested that a lot of people fall asleep on the job and it's no big deal.
They said if I worked in an office it wouldn't be an issue but when I'm driving a train it's pretty serious.

Whenever someone dies at work, they always die "doing the job they loved."
Thanks god I hate my job!

I am such a good employee, I was even working during lunch today!
I work at Subway....

Tired of being ignored by the staff in B&Q?
Simply put a pencil behind your ear and they'll rush over to help the 'professional builder'.

This Anti-cuts protest will really have an effect on my hairdressing business.

I cant belive the complete pack of lies my mate told in his latest job interview,and unbeliveably,he got the job.
He starts as a psychic on monday.

Up to 1,500 people are going to be made redundant by train builder Bombardier after a key contract was awarded to a German firm.
The firm's employees are not chuffed.

It's amazing the amount of poles I work with & I can't stand them.
Thinking about it, maybe the scaffolding business isn't for me after all.

Notice to Employees
(Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY I
n the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.
This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management

My job really sucks.
I work in a hoover development factory.

I was at work the other day when I realised I'd forgotten something, so I told my boss calmly;
'Sorry but I'm going to have to leave early, I've got to pick the kids up from school...before their parents get there.'

Took my 3 year old son into work with me at the royal mail sorting office, you should have seen him throwing parcels around, jumping up and down on them, they offered him a guaranteed job as soon as he turns 16.

My last interview ended with an offer....
To call Security if I didn't leave immediately.

FUN FACT: Of all the professions, Chimney Sweeps have the worst carbon footprint

A Native American friend works on the trading floor and gives me great insider information.
He's always got his ear to the ground.

The boss sacked me today. He found out I was continually making jokes in the office about his fat wife.
He said, "There was absolutely no excuse for such behaviour".
I must admit, he had me over a barrel.

Do you reckon anyone has ever rang their workplace to say "I won't be in today or ever again. I've found a way to earn money by staying at home working on my computer, with no skills required!"?

I don't take my wallet to work.
Just in case someone steals it while I'm sleeping.

I'm a voice coach for 'town-criers'.
My business is booming.

I arrived at work this morning to be met by my boss who said he would really like to see me.
I said "I'm really flattered, but sorry, I'm straight."

I lost my job at the teddy bear factory today. They said I lied about my previous experience on my CV.
"I did not lie," I raged, "You just misunderstood. I really did spend 6 months working as a Fluffer."

I used to have a problem going off track.
It doesn't happen as often now, British rail fired me.

My boss said to me, "I'm not happy, you have only been doing very minimal work for me. You should be showing me that you are willing to go the extra mile."
I said, "But I'm not."

Did you hear the one about the narcoleptic shepherd?