I'm a voice coach for 'town-criers'.
My business is booming.

I don't take my wallet to work.
Just in case someone steals it while I'm sleeping.

Do you reckon anyone has ever rang their workplace to say "I won't be in today or ever again. I've found a way to earn money by staying at home working on my computer, with no skills required!"?

I was talking to this guy in a pub and he told me he worked as a debt collector.
"That probably doesn't make you very popular," I said.
"Quite the opposite," he said. "Most people I visit ask me to come back another time."

Apparently, giving the candidate a blunt knife and frozen mustard and then asking him to slice was an inappropriate way of letting them know that they didn't get the job.

I went for a job interview at the Foreign Office.
I couldn't understand a word anyone said.

I was sacked earlier for messing up the concreting in work.
I didnt think anything was wrong but apparently is wasnt the way it cement to be

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not that I have.
So now I'm standing disciplinary meeting in my Batman costume.

I've been out ploughing snow all day.
I still don't think any crops are going to grow in it though.

I went for an interview the other day,
The interviewer said,
"Whats biggest accomplishment in your life"
"Creating windows 7", I replied.
Try turning that down Currys.

I walked into work yesterday "good morning everybody."
My boss warned me for patronising the people in the funeral parlour.

I put a job vacancy on my Facebook homepage as a joke.
Poland liked it.

Unemployment's getting more than a joke here in the UK, I can spend all day working as hard as I can trying to get a decent job and still no-one's hiring me on football-manager

Got sacked today on my first day as a horse racing commentator.
Curse you, Fig Plucker and Pheasant Plucker.

People are often impressed when I tell them I'm the chairman of a successful IT company.
And they should be, if I don't stack them on the tables the cleaner can't wash the carpet.

My boss wanted going to create a new company to see how easy it is to develop a business these days. The company didn't actually have a purpose.
We were discussing a name for the company, and I said, "Let's name it sphere."
My boss said, "Why?"
I replied, "Because it has no point"
I got fired.

My new job as a lifts salesman is going well but it does have its ups and downs

I've quit working the night shift at the road cone factory..
Just couldn't see the point....

I've written a feature-length screenplay about a group of black men who make dynamite for a living.
It's called "Nig Nog's and Boomsticks".

I have worked at the same place for the last ten years and they're paying me off.
My boss called me in to explain that they had to do it because I lack the drive and ambition the company needs.
I was furious.
Is this any way to treat a three-times Employee Of The Day?

"Hi love, sorry i'm late home. I ended up playing around with someone from work".
"You.........you played golf." She asked as she laughed.
"Don't be childish, we were playing soldiers in the car park and lost track of time."

Im a professional bee keeper....
I do it for the Buzz.

My wife said, "What will I tell my boss for not going to work, I can't just say it's because I was cooking a roast all day."
"How about Diarrhoea?" I said.
"No way!" she laughed.
"Okay," I replied, "but if a girl phoned me saying she was cooking diarrhoea, I would think she needed the time off."

It's boring to hear people make jokes about me being a drover that works with cattle.
Because I herd them already.

I've had to make a lot of cuts at work.
I love being a surgeon.