My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not that I have.
So now I'm standing disciplinary meeting in my Batman costume.

I was sacked earlier for messing up the concreting in work.
I didnt think anything was wrong but apparently is wasnt the way it cement to be

I went for a job interview at the Foreign Office.
I couldn't understand a word anyone said.

Apparently, giving the candidate a blunt knife and frozen mustard and then asking him to slice was an inappropriate way of letting them know that they didn't get the job.

Our book-keeper comes to work dressed in a stripy suit with a check shirt and spotty tie. None of the colours complement each other.
I guess there's no accounting for taste.

There's no "I" in volunteer, but there is "U", so go ahead.

How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb and 44 to do the paperwork.

I've just received my first salary payment from my new job at the toilet cistern manufacturer.
I'm feeling rather flush at the moment.

"I sometimes hold back a fart incase it's actually a poo." I said to the man talking to me.
"Sorry, Jon" said the interviewer, "I'm afraid you don't qualify for danger pay."

We had a meeting at work to come up with money saving ideas, I said "What about cutting out the packaging?"
The boss said I was thinking outside the box

Got fired from my job today for being on the phone too much.
Ironic, considering i'm a receptionist.

I got sacked from my janitor job at the zoo for intimating the guests.
Apparently throwing your own faeces back at the monkeys is unacceptable.

I arrived on the scene of a crash earlier and didn't want to get involved, you know, just stood back and tried not to get in the way. For no reason, people started shouting and screaming at me! I thought "Screw this for a barrel of monkeys," got back in the ambulance and found my way back home.

My boss called me in today and asked if I'd agree to work shorter hours in the current economic climate.
"Thanks very much" I replied, "How about 40 minutes instead of 60?"

I've got a job as a cleaner in a clock shop. I have to keep the toilets clean, the kitchen clean, and change the sandpaper in the cuckoo clocks every day.

My mate wasn't paying attention at work and ended up getting himself fired
I guess that's a risk you take working in a ceramics factory.

Africa & Asia will be adopting a new truancy programme later this year - They are expected to employ over 3000 trained truancy officers across the 2 continents to help maintain children's attendance at work.

I laid such a large log this morning. My wife was impressed by its girth and smoothness. I went through so much pain and effort though.
It's tough work being a lumberjack

The girl who works down my local abattoir is stunning!

My wife is getting hen-pecked.
I keep her locked in the chicken coup

I just got a job as the handyman at the local sperm bank.

Today I saw a sign that said 'Hand Car Wash'.
I thought I'd give it a try because the last guys who used their feet were pretty useless.

My son's just come home after a tough, grueling month at a bootcamp.
He didn't realise how hard it is training to be a cobbler.

Yesterday i told my mate i work in the secret service.
Today i got fired.

I was at a job interview last week when I was asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years time?"
I don't think, "About halfway through my 10 year plan," was the answer he was expecting...