I just got myself a new job, basically my role is to show schoolkids what a life of taking drugs and getting involved in petty crime leads to.
I think it's better known as a caretaker.

I've found a way to make the day go a little faster in my job as a telephone operative.
When I answer the phone I say "Did you do it? Is she dead?!"

I was watching David Cameron's moving speech about how we need to cut spending and benefits to help prevent fraud and increase the work rate of the country, and how this would lead to a decrease in the effects of the recession, and it really made me think about how small his face is.

I was trying and failing to do my Maths coursework today
I had to use a matrix to solve an equation, but there was just no use. I knew I shouldn't have taken the blue pill last night

Exam results day today, people crying and others dropping out.
Me? I couldn't be happier, my results spelt F U D G E.

My colleagues reckon I'm quite patronising.
I told them they wouldn't understand.

In my job I often feel like I'm being walked all over, guess that should be expected when you work on a shop floor

I love being a fireman, Yesterday I used "The Jaws of Life"
I took them home to prise my wife's legs apart.

I did try to make it in the topiary industry
I just couldn't cut it.

My job gets me laid with a different woman every day... it's great working at the morgue.

I was sacked as a club rep in Ibiza because of my poor attendance and continous lying.
I couldn't help it if I was snowed in.

I've used up all my sick days at work, guess I'm gonna resort to plan B and phone in dead.

Had to do a team building exercise at work today. We had to pretend there were five of us stranded in a boat - each with different skills - with only enough supplies for four. We had to decide who should go over-board to ensure the survival of the remaining four.
Apparently "Abdul should go because he's a wog" isn't an acceptable answer and can get you sacked.

Our MD kept going on about the company's 2012 goals today.
"Don't you think 2012 is a few too many goals?" I finally asked him. "Wouldn't we be better off sticking to 4 or 5?"

"Congratulations, you've got the job," said my new boss.
"Hold your horses," I replied. "I'd like it written into my contract that I get Bank Holidays off."
He laughed, and with a wink said, "I'm sure we can sort something out."
"That was easy," I thought, as I walked out with a smug smile on my face.
I start at Barclays next week.

When I went to see my Careers officer at school, he told me that I lacked any job skills or people skills and would struggle to achieve anything.
I became a Careers officer.

My brother likes to sing 'When You Wish Upon A Star'.
He takes the idea of a career path at McDonald's far too seriously.

My girlfriend left me because I told her my work was more important than her.
I'm unemployed.

I used to work for NHS Direct until I was sacked.
Apparently, telling someone with high blood pressure to cut themselves and let a bit out, isn't the correct way to treat the condition.

I used to like walking around insulting hobos.
But I got bored because it seemed like the insults never hit home.

My boss was right when he told me that first impressions last with customers.
That lady wont forget my impression of her disabled son in a hurry!

I gathered a crowd round me and said to one of them, "Ok, pick a card, any card."
That was my first and last day working for Clintons.

I find it really annoying when I'm on the way to work and forget something really important.
Like my clothes.

My boss told me I was sacked because I was too immature.
I was furious.
Luckily though, before I left I spat in his coffee.

Do shop fitters find their work counter productive?