I'm at the greatest risk of losing my job now then ever before. Not because of the economy.
My new boss walks with a really soft step.

How do you confuse a black man?
Give him a P45.

I was doing some maths homework the other day.
It derived me mad.

I had just started my new job and asked for an advance to tide me and my wife and two kids over till pay day,
My boss gave me a tenner, I couldn't wait for my first paycheck.
On Friday I collected my wages I got 3.50, I said "wtf is this?"
My boss says "How much do you think a paper round pays"

I went for a job interview today and thought I'd stand out from the crowd by taking in some homemade cakes for the interviewers.
They seemed to really enjoy them as they were tucking in during my interview. I thought it was going really well but there's always one or two tricky questions.
"So, why do you think we should give you the job?" they asked me. So I said "If you hire me, I'll give you the antidote for those cakes." I start on Monday.

In my job I often feel like I'm being walked all over, guess that should be expected when you work on a shop floor

I love being a fireman, Yesterday I used "The Jaws of Life"
I took them home to prise my wife's legs apart.

I did try to make it in the topiary industry
I just couldn't cut it.

My job gets me laid with a different woman every day... it's great working at the morgue.

I was sacked as a club rep in Ibiza because of my poor attendance and continous lying.
I couldn't help it if I was snowed in.

I've used up all my sick days at work, guess I'm gonna resort to plan B and phone in dead.

Had to do a team building exercise at work today. We had to pretend there were five of us stranded in a boat - each with different skills - with only enough supplies for four. We had to decide who should go over-board to ensure the survival of the remaining four.
Apparently "Abdul should go because he's a wog" isn't an acceptable answer and can get you sacked.

My colleagues reckon I'm quite patronising.
I told them they wouldn't understand.

Our MD kept going on about the company's 2012 goals today.
"Don't you think 2012 is a few too many goals?" I finally asked him. "Wouldn't we be better off sticking to 4 or 5?"

"Congratulations, you've got the job," said my new boss.
"Hold your horses," I replied. "I'd like it written into my contract that I get Bank Holidays off."
He laughed, and with a wink said, "I'm sure we can sort something out."
"That was easy," I thought, as I walked out with a smug smile on my face.
I start at Barclays next week.

When I went to see my Careers officer at school, he told me that I lacked any job skills or people skills and would struggle to achieve anything.
I became a Careers officer.

My brother likes to sing 'When You Wish Upon A Star'.
He takes the idea of a career path at McDonald's far too seriously.

My girlfriend left me because I told her my work was more important than her.
I'm unemployed.

I used to work for NHS Direct until I was sacked.
Apparently, telling someone with high blood pressure to cut themselves and let a bit out, isn't the correct way to treat the condition.

Was at the Job Centre waiting to sign on, waited for over an hour.
How can DSS treat people like this?? Wasting valuable time.
Some of us have a job to go to

My boss told me I was sacked because I was too immature.
I was furious.
Luckily though, before I left I spat in his coffee.

I intend to leave a mark on history before I die.
One day I'll grade one of those kids' test papers, one day.

Had some health and saftey training the other day, they told me to always lift with my knees.
After 3 hours I discovered it's so much easier with your hands.

just started my new job as a vision clarity technician.
well, i say that, i am more of a window cleaner..

I was at the end of a pretty long job interview when the interviewer said, "Well, I think thats all, do you have questions for me?"
I thought for a second then asked, "Whats the capital of Poland?"