I was on the pull last night down the pub.
Turned out to be a total failure.
Probably why the landlord sacked me.

My boss was right when he told me that first impressions last with customers.
That lady wont forget my impression of her disabled son in a hurry!

I gathered a crowd round me and said to one of them, "Ok, pick a card, any card."
That was my first and last day working for Clintons.

I find it really annoying when I'm on the way to work and forget something really important.
Like my clothes.

I used to like walking around insulting hobos.
But I got bored because it seemed like the insults never hit home.

Do shop fitters find their work counter productive?

The boss called me into his office today and told me I'm due for a raise.
He handed me a packet of yeast and I walked back into the bakery.

My mate Sean is getting way too much overtime. It's affecting his homelife something chronic. Shouting at the kids. Hitting his wife. Fights with the neighbours. He's too knackered for any of that.

I phoned my boss earlier and told him I need a pay rise.
Why he said
Because three companies are after me I told him.
Which three companies he asked
Gas, electric and morgage I replied

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Since I started working from home ... I have never missed a day

My business has been going downhill recently, so i had to have a meeting with my bank manager. He said my company would have to be liquidated.
I thought to myself 'hes winding me up'.

Statistic's show that 1 in 5 people lie in the workplace, although in the telemarketing sector it rises to 5 in 5.

Ever go into a shop and forget what you've gone in there for?
I think that's probably why I got sacked from Tesco's.

I got thrown out of my company's annual family picnic, because apparently there are multiple ways to interpret the term "sack race".

I used to work for KP as a delivery man.
My truck was persistently breaking down.
It drove me nuts.

I'm going to become an astronaut.
The money's great, but the prospects are out of this world.

The big boss came into the office today and he said my department was childish.
He said something else as well but we didn't hear that because we ran away from him.

I took a bird out for a few drinks last night.
As we pulled up outside her house in a taxi I asked, "Mind if I come in for a night cap?"
She said, "Haven't you got to get up early for work in the morning?"
I said, "No, I don't get up until dinner time, I'm a postman."

I can't understand my boss sometimes.The more I call in sick the more he seems to dislike me.
I thought absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I've recently started work as a troubleshooter at this computer firms warehouse.
So far I've bagged 6 negros and 4 scousers.

As a vet I used to think that the worst day of my working life would be when I put down a whole litter of healthy new born Afghans.
But actually it was when I finished my tour of duty in Helmand Province and returned home.

If counting sheep helps you sleep, you're probably going to be fired from being a livestock auditor.

Men & women ran for their lives amid scenes of panic on the streets of Liverpool earlier. Early reports suggest that a local businessman entered a JobCentre in the city at approximately 1:30 in the afternoon & announced that he would like to employ up to 20 people.
In a statement, local Labour MP Luciana Berger said; the businessman's behaviour simply "would not be tolerated" within the city.
Meanwhile, Labour leader Ed Miliband called for claimant's benefits to be hand delivered on silver plateaus to their home addresses in cash form, until the businessman had been apprehended & the risk of being expected to work for a living had subsided.

I lied on my CV to get a job. I claimed I had loads of previous experience in the field and they didn't bother checking.
Within an hour of starting my new job, I was exposed, humiliated and jeered at.
It seems that fat middle-aged blokes don't go down that well in strip clubs...