Wildlife cameramen seem to be very unlucky.
They only ever seem to be able to find Meerkats that are watching tennis matches.

In recent studies, Shih Tzu dogs are the most likely to attack a person.
Maybe if we stopped calling them Shih Tzu's they'd feel a lot calmer.

Do you remember the old PG Tips adverts? I've thought about how amusing it would be if they got monkeys to dress up in rappers' clothes and "bling" and "rap" in rap music videos...
Oh wait...

I've just bought a load of giant African land snails. I don't want to breed them or anything, I just want to dot them round the garden so the resident hedgehogs think they're in the middle of a wonderful dream.

Whenever I went gambling I always took my lucky goldfish.
He would swim around in his little bowl whilst I gambled.
He died today so I held a small funeral.
Nothing special, I just wrapped him in newspaper with some chips.

My mate got killed by a quadrapalegic last night.
I warned him not to pick a fight with a Boa Constrictor.

"Come on, I'll help you out of the water. You'll drown otherwise," said the friendly elephant as it placed the fish safely on the tree.

There isn't room to swing a cat in here.
Guess i'll go outside and play.

I don't see the point in big, ugly animals with wide mouths and stubby legs.
Guess I'm just hippocritical.

Woman on the bus said to me, "Your fly is down."
I said, "I know, I'm taking him to see his psychologist."

I was hiking through the woods when I came face to face with bigfoot.
"Do you mind if I fake a photo?" I asked him.

I was telling my mate I just got myself a labrador.
He said: "Oh they're really nice dogs, I love them but they make you go blind."

I rang my mate but he answered the phone in tears.
"Whats wrong?" I asked, concerned.
"The dogs just been hit by a truck! Just this minute outside the house, almost tore it in half!" he wailed.
"I'll be over right away!" I shouted.
I've never seen inside a dog before.

My mother-in-law's coming over.
I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep.

Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier..
Stupid Parrot never get's the bacon right.

I noticed a mouse popping it's head out of a hole from a skirting board in my bedroom , so I rang the Enviromental health Agency.
The bloke arrived shortly afterwards I and we stood in my bedroom and waited for the mouse to appear , suddenly a Fish stuck its head out of the hole and went back in again , I said "Did you see that Fish?"
And the bloke said "I'm here about the mouse Sir, we'll deal with the Rising Damp later".

Me and my mate picked up a couple of birds the other day.
'Yeah I think they're dead,' I said and chucked them in the park bin.

My cat adored me,was always at my side or on my lap.
Then, one day, I just got fed up with it and the cat left.
I lost that loving feline.

Sharks in the Mediterranean have ravished on food today and are said to be ecstatic at the arrival of 90 toothpicks to help them keep their teeth in good shape.

A man walks into a vet with a dead labrador in his arms.
The Vet looks at the dog and says "sorry sir, your dog is dead"
"I'd like a second opinion please" says the man laying his beloved animal on the table.
"One moment sir" says the vet
second vet comes in carrying a cat, he waves the cat over the dog and say "sorry sir, you dog is definately dead"
The man says "look are you sure"
"Yes" says the vet "these cat scans are very reliable"

It's fun playing football with my rabbit.
Although she's not as bouncy as a real football.

My wife's dog just came running past with one of my slippers.
God knows how he keeps a size 10 on that little paw of his.

My next door neighbour has got a sick sense of humour.
He chopped up a pig and hid the parts around the garden and made his son search for them.
Pork Hunt.

I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him
#hereboy

I've been doing lots of work on the effects of smoking on monkeys
The sole conclusion I've drawn is that they look cooler than the none smoking monkeys.