Went to a tarot card reading with my wife recently. You should have seen the look on her and the old gypsy ladies faces when I drew the Death card.
It was a look that clearly showed if I didn't put the sketch pad and pen away I would not be coming to any further readings.

Vincent Van Gogh. There's a man. Everyone said to him "you can't be an artist! You only have one ear!" and you know what he said?
"Sorry, I can't hear you".

I've been working on a mosaic made of broken bottles,
but it's not really all that it's cracked up to be.

Whenever I'm asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same.
Lowry.

News: "The Tate Modern has removed a nude photo of actress Brooke Shields aged 10 from its new exhibition over fears it will be a gathering place for paedophiles".
Okay guys I'm sorry but the minibuses wont be picking you all up now, your 5 deposit will be returned in the post shortly.

Damien Hirst partner has walked out on him for another man.
Like a dead cow in an art gallery he must be gutted.

When Damien Hirst cuts a shark in half and preserves it in formaldehyde, he's a visionary artist.
When I do it, I get banned from the aquarium.

I've developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant.
1. Get a huge block of marble.
2. Chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant.

As a painter, I'm proud to say some of my work can be seen in the National Gallery.
I did the skirting boards.

I think I have a photographic memory...
...All the people in my head have red eyes.

An artist tried to concentrate on his painting, but the attraction he felt for his nude model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind of girl!"
"Actually, I've never tried to kiss any of my models before," he protested.
"Really?" she asked, softening. "How many models have there been?"
"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

My girlfriend insisted on going to the art gallery so I went along with it and after an hour looking at pictures I called her over and said, "What about this one?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, it's the best one I've seen yet."
"If you don't want to be here, then leave."
"When did I say that?"
"When you called me over to look at the EXIT sign."

I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting.
Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer.

'Edvard Munch's The Scream sells for $120 million'.
Victoria Beckham was going to bid for it..
Then she remembered that she had a mirror.

I got some really bad news at my university today. Instead of funding my department they are funding the language and the history department.
Oh the humanities!

A new exhibition where the artist uses human excrement to create celebrity portraits opens tomorrow.
There'll be some familiar faeces on show.

The wife went ballistic when I punched a constable yesterday.
She was nearly as mad as the museum staff.

Felt it would be a good idea to draw straws with my mates to see which one of us went for the munter out of a group of girls.
And people say my a BA in Art would be useless.

My mate fancies himself as an artist and wants to sketch me.
I told him, "I'm very busy at the moment."
"How about next Sunday afternoon?" he suggested.
I said, "Not too sure - but pencil me in."

'Every picture tells a story'.
The picture up in my house, tells me how bad security is at the Khalil museum, and that Van Gogh's painting is not worth 32m.