I'm not saying the guy from the BT adverts is creepy, but I'm expecting in the next one for him to turn around and say "Let me shave your legs and lick you while you sleep"

Facebook - for hideous, fat, ugly women to deceive lads into thinking they look human.

At work today this OAP costumer kept calling me duck... I thought to myself, if she calls me duck one more time I think I'm going to quack...

They say music is the language of spirits. So, next time your bank keeps you hanging on the phone, they're probably taking you for a medium.

I've just hit someone with their own blackberry. Those things really are useful, i might get one now.

I've still got my original Nokia 3310, I think it may be time to get rid of it.
Apparently, I've to take it somewhere called 'Mordor'

The funniest thing to do using Google+
Step 1. Randomly divide everyone you know into two seperate circles.
Step 2. Post to circle 1 that you just got an awesome new job
Step 3. Post to circle 2 that you just contracted some disease
Step 4. Post to your extended circles the message: 'Tomorrow is my last day'
Sit back and watch resulting comment battle unfold...

If my iPhone were truly 'smart'.....
It wouldn't let me text people when I'm drunk.

Normally I hate the adverts on television but the last one I saw I really agreed with. It was warning of the dangers of cyber bullying; how sad and sick it is. How cyber bullying really does show the broken society we live in today and all that has changed over the years with the age of technology...
Now it's the fatty's and the nerds have the upper hand when it comes to picking on people. God must be shaking his head looking at what we've become. Shaking his head...

My idea for a perfect pint was a cool Fosters on the beach in Jamaica with Bob Marley.
For some reason carling said I didn't win.

It's a sad state of affairs when your Blackberry goes down on you more often than your Girlfriend!

I've just taken out a contract with Vodafone.
2500 for them to shoot that fat bloke from the Go Compare adverts.

I asked Siri to call me an ambulance since I was experiencing chest pains. It responded by telling me it would call me 'an ambulance' from now on.

My wife and I had a close call this morning.
I can't believe she phoned me from next door.

Just got my best mate, my dog a cell phone plan.
It comes with roll-over minutes.

BBC News: "Black granted bail pending appeal"
...What? You don't need me to write anything?

Bank security checks are pretty pointless if you're talking to an Indian customer.
"Can I take your mother's maiden name please Mr Patel?"
"Yeah. It's Patel."

Are you forgetful? Are you not rememering where you put things? I made an app for that....
It's around here somewhere I just have to find it.

What do you call a hi-fi that will never let you down?
A sound system!

My wife said "You're not making any sense".
I replied "Fourteen and a bit on the top".

My phone has been ringing off the hook.
I should probably get that fixed.

My wife decided to take down all the Christmas lights without telling me.
I feel like I'm being left in the dark over these decisions.

When a bloke rings my mate it plays 'Raining Men,' when a woman rings it plays 'Three Times a Lady'..
Got himself a new BiPhone..

There is no way that the world is going to end on 21/12/2012 like the aztecs predicted. Sorry aztecs, wrong again, just like you were about the optimum method of ingesting chocolate.
Makes you wonder what they were smoking.

'If you don't have an iPhone... You don't have an iPhone.'
The kind of intelligence and wisdom often displayed by someone with an iPhone.