What is a cloak?
The mating call of a Chinese toad.

Irony: Soldiers playing "Risk" in Afghanistan.

Definition of contradiction! As seen on teletext,
Healthy people are dying of swine flu.

Definition of a Yorkshire man,
A Scots man with all the generosity squeezed out of him!

My girlfriend came over to me today and simply said "The earth, together with all of its countries, peoples, and natural features"
It meant the world to me.

Morning sickness
The feeling when waking up after a night out and rolling over to discover exactly what hippo, elephant or whale it was you unashamedly ploughed for 30 seconds.

The word "salary" comes from the latin word for salt as salt was often used to pay workers.
That explains why I have to drink so much when I get mine.

I have two pet hates.
Much more fun than having a cat or a dog

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

What do you call a fat man surrounded by several scantily-clad women?
A plimp

Football: Americans no good at it,invented their own version that no other country plays thus they cant be beaten at it!

The REAL definition of irony.
God giving women wisdom teeth.

What's the definition of irritating?
**Complete this quick online survey to unlock the answer!**

I asked my mate ''What does confidential mean?''
''It's secret, keeping it to myself.'' He replied.
''I only asked you a question, you dont have to be like that.''

Awkward:
when someone stops you in the street for directions an you end up walking the same way next to each other

I was watching this video where these black blokes were using a park to work out,
..it brought a new meaning to "monkey bars".

I looked up "redirect" in the dictionary.
It read, "See divert".

Free press:
When your mum irons your trousers for you.

My wife said I'm, "awfully pedantic" the other day.
"The 'awfully' part isn't really necessary", I said.

Midgets.
So that even Dwarfs can feel useful

I'm having difficulty finding motivation...
but it must be in this dictionary somewhere.

The definition of false economy:
I spent thirty quid on oysters to get my girlfriend in the mood to swallow the same thing for nothing.

I now know the feeling of having mixed emotions....
My Dad just informed me, he has Cancer and "it's heriditory."....
My Mum then tells me "he's not your Father!"

Enjoying my morning glory this morning when my mum walked in and said 'dont u think its time to get up',i think i gave the wrong answer when i looked at her all seductively and replied 'im already up darling'..........

The definition of fear...waking from having your tooth filled to find kneeprints on the armrests of the dentist's chair.