My mate bet me a tenner I couldn't come up with a good Vegetarian joke...
I had a few, but gave him the money there and then.
They were all to Quorny...

These last few weeks, I've been eating healthily and getting a lot of exercise, so I'm going to need some serious retoxing.

My psychic girlfriend was a size 20 and sad.
But now she has lost weight to a size 12 and is a happy medium.

Since Christmas I have managed to lose 10 pounds.
I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers is fair enough for their advice.

"So what do you do?" My new roommate asked me.
"I work with people who have let themselves go in life and to help them find their feet again." I said proudly.
"Oh, wow!" Said my new roommate. "That must be very rewarding work."
I shrugged. "Just an ordinary day at Weight Watchers."

I was out on my first date with a girl from work and she asked "are you more of a cat or dog person"?
'As long as there's some tomato sauce I'll eat anything!' I replied.

The wife has gone on a crash diet...
She dented the car so I knocked her teeth out.

I'm trying to drop two dress sizes for thr summer.
The wife's up to a 14 now!

Had to think of a gravestone inscription for my wife. I think she would have approved..
"Finally found a diet that seemed to be working"

2nd day of my diet. I've lost 7 pounds.
I'm gutted, I was gonna buy a kebab with that.

On a whim I named my cat Hamburger Helper. The funny thing was it tasted like chicken.

I don't know why girls are so touchy about saying how much they weigh, it's not going to stop people seeing how fat they are.

What's the difference between a Leeds girl and an elephant?
Two stone.
How do you make them the same?
Give the elephant a sandbag.

I've decided to make money writing dieting books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.

Started my diet this morning. Already lost 2 pounds.
The coin fell down the side of the car seat and my hands are too fat to squeeze down there.

I absolutely REFUSE to swallow my pride.
The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories

Earlier today a fat girl said she was uncomfortable with her body,
I'd be uncomfortable too If I had to carry all that weight around.

I've nearly finished the pills the doctor gave me to stop me from being so greedy.
I want some more.

To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza.

What does a diet and a black man have in common?
They don't work.

Can someone please tell fat women that skin tight jeans are a fashion statement not a challenge

An American father says to his son, "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
Son replies, "Diet."

I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn't help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked.
"My wife's been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she's lost 5 pounds." the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?" I asked.
"Well," he says "I've worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"

I went on a diet recently, came off drinking and heavy eating.
In fourteen days I've lost exactly two weeks.