I was on my luxury yacht with my girlfriend the other week, looking at sharks swimming around us. She squealed oh my god there big would they eat me whole? I said no they would spit that bit out..!

I must have been about 15 the first time I went to the pub.
I ordered vodka and couldn't believe I was getting served.
The trouble started when the barman asked me what I wanted in it.
Naively, I said "Milk and two sugars".

I gave my kid a smack on the bottom in the supermarket today. "You're very naughty" I shouted, as she ran off crying.
Yeah, my sixteen year old hates coming out with me.

The nurse came up to my hospital bed to check my pulse.
"Wow." she said. "It's much faster than usual!"
"That's not my wrist you're holding, nurse."

If you sit on a toilet the other way round it's like a little chair and table where you can secretly eat and cry.

Unfortunately it seems sneezing at the point of climax didnt release those innate Spiderman abilities I thought I had...

after i jokingly said to my girlfriend that her farts smell like dead babies, she totally freaked out
she's acting so weird since the abortion

I had to do a drama performance for my A-levels, except I was a bit nervous, so I took the good old advice of picturing everyone naked.
Shame my nan was in the audience.

When an old school friend found out my girlfriend studied at Oxford he sent me a text saying,''OMG,that's unbelievible because I studied at Oxford too.''
Not the dictionary he didn't.

I was at the motorway services the other day when a man in a yellow coat shouted over to me, "Are you with the AA, sir?".
I shouted back at him, "Do I look like an alcoholic!"

I told my mate that he was easily amused.
But he just cracked up and shat himself.

I was chatting up a girl in the pub last night, " if I could rearrange the alphabet...". " Let me guess? You'd put U and I together." she interrupted. " no" I said, " I'd be a better speller. I'm dyslexic".

I saw an old mate I hadn't seen for ages. "How's life in the fast lane?" I joshed.
"Not too good mate. My wife was involved in a multiple pile up on the motorway."
Hush, my mouth.

I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didnt seem impressed when we turned up at a childrens swimming pool.

I was trying to get a hot girl at the bar jealous, so I started slowly dancing and getting off with a potted plant.
It worked wonders, she was staring at me.

The wife was livid that I had made a show of her in front of all my friends last night.
With hindsight, I probably should have hidden the web cam in the bedroom a bit better.

I accidentally liked a girls picture on facebook.
Doesn't help that it was of her Dad's gravestone.

Last night I tried one of those tricks where you light your farts on fire. I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle.
Completely ruined my Grandmothers birthday cake.

Throwing a chocolate bar at fat girls 'cos they look like they need a Boost.

My wife came into the same pub as me and my mates and walked up to me "look at you acting all cool as if you can't be bothered talking to me"
"sorry fatso do I know you?" I replied

I took my car for a service last week... Waste of time though, couldn't quite fit it through the church doors!

As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me:
"Isn't it weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we're out"
I said, "I know exactly what you mean, ever since I've had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when we're out!"

I farted in front of my new girlfriend's mother last night.
She was not impressed.
I'll try harder next time I see her, and make the fart louder and longer.

I saw this hot girl walking towards me, so I tried to impress her and stood next to this really expensive Ferrari.
As she came closer to me....she said, "Excuse me" and got in her car and left.

Three men, one american, one mexican, and one chinese, were hiking in an unknown mountain. They suddenly discovered a big cave. So they each decided to test its echo.
The american man shouted his name: "Tom"
The echo replied: "Tom"
The mexican man shouted his name: "Carlito"
The echo replied: "Carlito"
The Chinese man shouted his name: "Ching Chong Lao Song"
The echo replied: "what?"