John goes to work painting white lines on the motorway with a tin of paint and a brush, after the first day he accomplishes 4 mile... later that day his boss congratulates him.
The next day John paints 2 mile of white lines... so his boss said, "yeh thats acceptable."
On the third day he only does 1/4 of a mile... the boss says, "Whats wrong you did 4 mile the first day?"
John replies, "Yeh but the tin keeps getting further away"...

I did a couple of laps around the gym today.
Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in.

My wife told me she is leaving me because I treat my fitness like a game!
I nearly fell off my wii fit board!

Supermarkets say, they are doing their best to stop obesity.
If that was true they would have only made the biscuit isle a foot wide.

I read in men's health, that the most important thing to do when doing a workout programme is rest...Ive done that for 2 years now and I am still no fitter than before!

I refuse to drive my children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk.
While this has made sure they aren't overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleat was a bit of a disaster.

Sometimes when I see people jogging outside, I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation.

My wife just got me an exercise machine and apparently it's not our new born son.

Just made a keep-fit -video for the elderly.
Im calling it "Pumping rust !"

power walking looks a lot like people who have taken too many laxatives,and just realised they ain't gonna make it home in time!

I did double my morning exercise this morning...
Must stop forgetting things upstairs.

People are always telling me to get fit.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Americans claim to get plenty of exercise, despite the fact that most of them are vastly overweight.
Not surprising, though, if your definition of exercise is 'anything that makes you sweat' and includes waddling from the car park to McDonald's.

How to lose weight in 3 easy steps:
1. Buy a bed sheet
2. Cut to eye holes in it and wear it so you look like a ghost
3. Go for a jog light jog in Detroit

My local gym make it extremely difficult for newcomers to join.
They're on the 27th floor with no lift.

My wife bought me a fitness DVD called "10 Steps To The Body You Deserve".
It should be pretty easy, it takes me 4 steps just to get to the DVD player.

I went for a run this morning.
Not for exercise, my girlfriend's husband just got back early.

Now don't get me wrong, i think race for life is a wonderful charity for women. I just can't help but feel that the advert kinda gets ruined with that big fat bald bloke at the end of it.....

I've started a new exercise regime. 10 reps of sit ups holding a carrot, 5 reps of squats with a courgette in each hand, and 3 reps of lifting a heavy sack of potatoes. Sadly, my efforts have so far been fruitless...

I don't know who came up with the idea that walking the dog is a good way to pick up woman.
Whenever I'm out walking with my wife no one gives me a second look.

I decided to get fit so I bought an exercise bike, and it's great - I can go on it for hours on end.
I pretend I'm going downhill and freewheel.

I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning,
I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting down my beer.

I pulled a muscle in my neck today and I'm not sure how, i just can't get my head round it.

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there.
I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it.

Was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill.
People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.