Two bags of crisps are walking down the street,
A car pulls up and the driver offers them a lift,
No thanks they reply,
We`re walkers

There was a family of Wotsits driving along and they see another family. They pull over and ask, 'do you want a lift?' and the family reply, 'no thanks, we're Walkers'

Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier..
Stupid Parrot never get's the bacon right.

I was working in the mess hall of my Army base, and my Commanding Officer walked up to me.
'I'll have a cheeseburger and fries,' he said.
I said, 'Is that an order?'

Hola Hoops have a promotional going: Win a Land Rover in selected packs today!
Unfortunately, all the packs in my local shop were just regular size.

I found two red strips inside my Kit Kat today!
I thought it was really special, but it tasted the same.

I push my tongue inside and pause, luxuriating in the taste. The sweet nectar plays on my tongue, and I swallow greedily...
How do you eat a Dairy Milk Caramel?

I think I'll have a BBQ today seeing as it's a nice day.
I've already had my burgers and sausages delivered from Iceland, the hot ash should be arriving any time now.

Pig 1: What do you think pigs taste like?
Pig 2: You remember Madeleine McCann? Somewhere between that and chicken.

I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs.

My boss asked me if I liked Thai food.
"Yeah, boss. Love it."
Then he pointed out that I'd dribbled my lunch down my shirt front.

I'm absolutely gutted. My wife just left me. She took everything exept a few cadburys chocolate biscuits...on the other hand I've more fingers

I took the wife to a restaurant. We ordered our food and wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him "Are you the waiter who took my order?" The waiter replied " yes sir ,I am." "Thats funny" I said, "I was expecting someone much older."

My wife gave me a wicker basket full of cold meats, sandwiches, fruit cake and crockery and told me to take it to the car.
I couldn't do it, I was hampered.

Man walks into the doctors: "I keep getting the urge to graffiti my initials all over my TV screen"
Doctor: "Hmm tricky one, Have you been eating anything different lately?'
Man: "Yes actually, I've been eating lot's of Italian food"
Doctor: "Tagliatelle?"

Being a creative DJ I covered my record turntables in dried lentils, peanuts, chickpeas, noodles and flaked rice
I made a wicked bombay mix

Being interrogated by the police and ordering a sandwich at Subway are strikingly similar.

The local Indian family in my area are thinking of opening a new Indian restaurant slash brothel..
..They are going to call it: A Taste of Punan.

A foreign woman taking a food survey asks a man 'Are you peckish?' the man replies 'No I'm Turkish'

Since Christmas I have managed to lose 10 pounds.
I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers is fair enough for their advice.

Race car designers are a boring bunch.
I met a group of them at the pub and it was nothing but torque, torque, torque.

I went into KFC and asked for something cheap.
"You're slightly overweight" said the man behind the counter

I went to the bar yesterday and was drinking absinthe all night and started to get emotional about not seeing my parents for five years.
Well you know what they say,
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Even the thought of my wife's mashed potato brings a lump to my throat.

I tried to explain to my wife. "You put carrot in carrot cake, Egg in eggnog and cheese in cheesecake"
She still didn't like what I did to the chicken for the coq-au-vin.