My mate recently had a nasty accident with a lawnmower. They had to do a com-post mortem.

I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my kids do.

I was doing the gardening this afternoon when a frog intentionally threw himself under my lawn-mower.
I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Whenever I need help with my gardening, I just go out in my short skirt, bend over to pick some weeds and soon enough I've loads of helpers.

I hate my part time job as a leaf blower, the pay is terrible.
But if I was a gardener, I would be raking it in.

I was watching UK Border Force last night.
The team was in Dover and they put in a nice selection of bedding plants and a small box hedge.

I was gardening when I saw I had left an empty patch.
So i put a rose bush there thinking 'Thistle do'

What is the difference between a shovel and a spade?
The Americans did not elect a shovel as president in 2008

I heard about people talking to their plants so I went out and bought one.
I haven't watered it for a week now.
Oh it'll talk. Eventually.

I used to have a job making furniture out of plants.
I'll tell you, it was no bed of roses.

I'm certain more of my house plants would survive if they had the ability to beg for water and food like my kids do.

I've got some landscape gardeners in at the moment,
And was quite surprised when Didier Drogba turned up in the van with them this morning.
It turns out he is what they use to roll the lawn.

I woke up at 5am to harvest and re-plant my rice this morning.
By 5pm I should be ready to harvest it again.
By 6pm I think I will be about ready to kill myself.
Oh well, at least my cottons coming along nicely.

I have planted a Bay tree in my back garden.
I can't wait till it grows it's first window.

The drought prevention wardens said they'd had an anonymous tip-off that I'd got a sprinkler.
I said yes, you would too if you had prostate cancer.

I'm not really bothered about the hose pipe ban.
I was going to start jet washing my lawn from 30 meters away this summer anyway.

So if flowers have
both male and female parts, but
it's bees that actually do the
pollinating, does that make it
some kind of threesome?

As I walked through the garden today I tripped and landed in the herb section. Surprisingly, I broke all of my ribs along with some fingers and both wrists. I guess I must have fallen on hard thymes.

I bought some seeds at the garden centre earlier today, and rushed back to plant them. The next morning, I found several Israeli children running around my yard.
It was to be expected, I suppose. The seeds I bought were Jew-nippers.

Just letting you all know I'm in hospital. Don't panic, I just poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion.Turned out 2 be a daffodil bulb. Should be out by spring.

I went to a 'bush n garden' convention the other day ,
it was ridiculous I couldn't get a word in hedgeways .

I was carefully examining my tomato plants looking for caterpillar tracks.
When I got run over by a tank.