I'm being haunted by the ghost of Maurice Gibb.
He gives me the ebebeegees

I tried to hold a seance last night. After two hours, all I'd managed to do was talk to three window cleaners.
That's the last time I muck around with a squeegee board.

An English golfer's mate is permanently banned from Royal St Georges after yesterday's ghostly clubhouse events. At one point staff said books and objects were flying at them from all sorts of mysterious angles.
In the end they found out it was an Ian Poulter's guest.

I've recently had my house exorcised by a Priest due to some strange events.
He wanted 200 paying in the next week for his duties.
However when i told him i couldn't pay this, he came back and re-possessed my house.

Our neighbour's house is getting repossessed...
It's such a shame, I never got to meet their first ghosts

A ghost just floated past me and it was perfectly horizontal.
I think it was a spirit level.

A ghost floats into a bar.
The barman says, "Who ordered a spirit?"

Why don't poltergeists ever just give people a pat on the back or a handjob..
Nice people die as well.

I had a contest with the Grim Reaper to see who could throw the best carnival. He won - mine was a fte worse than Death's.

The Sun: WOMAN HAUNTED BY GHOST
'I walked into the kitchen, turned the light on and suddenly there was a loud bang and all the lights and everything went out, it was very scary '
Erm, it's called a powercut love.

I've just seen 'Ghost' again.
Its a lot scarier now Patrick Swayzes' really dead.

I've made up one of those notices to stick on my door and keep away the 'trick or treaters'.
It says 'Ring the bell to get your parents a job'.

I don't believe in ghosts
Don't tell anyone though - they're always the first to go

After an hour of holding a seance in my friends marijuana plantation, we finally gave up after no contact was made with the ghosts.
Despite this, spirits were high

MSN NEWS: 'Ghosts' captured on film: real or fake?
Doesn't that question kind of answer itself?

The other day me and my friends were 'talking to spirits' in an old prison.
Hesitantly I asked, "how many of you are here? Knock one out for each person".
For the next 4 hours there was constant bangs, I guess he'd taken my Request literally.

Having finally given up my drug addiction, I dumped my weed in a house haunted by ghosts and now my spirits are high.

Being a ghost, it's difficult pretending to be someone you're not.
People see straight through you.

There's actually a really quick way to tell if your house is haunted.
It isn't.

"Serial Killer" is a bit strong.
I prefer the term "Ghost Manufacturer"

Walking home last night I saw a dead baby ghost on the pavement...
Although on reflection it could have been a handkerchief.

Son: Are ghosts real?
Dad: Of course not.
Son: But the maid said they are.
Dad: Son pack your bags....we don't have a maid

I always test psychics with a knock knock joke.
If they say "Who's there?" I get up and leave.

My mate just came round looking like he'd seen a ghost.
"I just had a seance on my own," he whispered.
"I know," I replied. "You've ouija self."

I was recently noticing strange happenings in the home, I'd wake up and furniture had moved, lights were on, and many other different strange things. My mate referred me to an exorcist, now, I didn't believe in the idea he could do anything but, I was willing to try anything.
To my surprise, he was completely successful, and i've had nothing strange happen, however..
A bill came through the door for 2,500.. I had no chance of paying this! I rang the exorcist up to try and sort something out, but nothing could be done so, hes coming down tomorrow to repossess the house.