I got up this morning and ran around the block 4 times! Then I got tired, so I picked it up and put it back in the toy box!

Recent research suggests that a three minute burst of intense activity once a week could give noticeable benefits in fitness and weight loss.
That's all very well but some of us are married.

My doctor told me that I'm chronically unfit and I need to start doing an activity at least three times a week that gets my heart pumping and brings me out in a sweat.
Snorting cocaine it is then.

Just heard that there is going to be "training for Mars" thats one way to get obese people to exercise.

I was shocked to realise I had lost two stones when I was at weight watchers the other day
I bought four at the offy - a couple must have fell out the carrier on the way

My wife has just done a 2 year stretch.
She takes her exercise far too seriously.

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Smith, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

I tried reading the sun the other day, cost me a fortune in laser eye surgery afterwards

You know you have a drug problem when you use the talk to frank booklet as a catalogue.

I don't understand why so many people want to go to the gym to get "big"
Surely McDonald's is the better place to go

Jonas Screw, the famous human-drain cleaner who worked for Dynorod for 40 years, was taken to hospital after he nearly drowned when stuck upside down in a manhole.
Doctors said he was still critical, but said he would still pull through!

My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with paranoia.
But u can't take any notice of him, he's always had it in for me.

The main issues with making your own toothpaste are finding a strong enough blender, and enough teeth that people don't need.

An obese guy was asked "why are you so fat?"
He replied "because ((-1)/64)".

Its not nice to make fun of people in wheelchairs, my dad's got a wheelchair...
He nicked it off a crippled child

My wife went to the doctor to ask for a facial surgery. He told her he'd make a 40% discount if she brings the dynamite herself.

I saw a woman at the gym who was looking a bit bewildered.
I walked over and said "Hi, you must be new".
She laughed and said "Is it so obvious?"
"Yes" I replied "You're seriously out of shape".

I was speaking to my blonde sister the other day whilst watching Maury.
As we both were watching a morbidly obese woman come onto the set, I said to her ''that fat woman makes me feel like throwing up''.
She looked at me disgusted, and yelled ''don't be racist!''
I laughed at her stupidity, then turned to her and said, ''They don't matter, even if fat people were a race, they'd lose anyway''.

Ever since I started using Garnier Fructis fortifying shampoo I've been intimidated by my hair because it's healthier & stronger than I am.

Athletico Madrids Colombian Striker is what Carlos Tevez would have looked like if he hadn't had his face set on fire and then put out with a rusty frying pan.

My new girlfriend is exercise crazy, it's getting to a point where I'm losing a lot of weight from this. But I'm really begininng to hate it, I'm just not that into exercise.
Well at least from a brighter perspective, I've killed two stones with one bird.

I was leaving a bar the other day, when a fat bird walked through the door before me, being reasonble I let her through. She gave me the eye and said "Awww thankyou, what a gentleman". I then replied "I only done it because we both wouldn't have fit through the door at the same time".

I try to be healthy, so every day I walk 2 miles. although, it's a bit of a pain at the end of the week, as I'm 14 miles away from home.

My girlfriend is getting a bit chubby, so I've bought her some running gear so she can go jogging.
And I can change the locks.

Why is it that everybody that wants me to sponsor them to do the Run for Life looks like running for a bus would kill them?