i went to a hotel the other day, i knocked on the door, no answer, knocked again,still no answer, knocked one more time and an old woman opened the door, she said 'what do you want?' i said 'i want to stay here' she sad 'stay there then' and shut the door

My girlfriend is all excited after I promised to take her to a little place just north of Paris for Christmas.
I can't wait to see her face when we arrive in Torquay.

My boss just told me that because of my performance this year I'm getting a 10 digit bonus.
My own work mobile number.

I went to the travel agent today and the agent said, "Did you know, two out of three people take an holiday in England."
I replied, "Great, I'd like to book a caravan in Cornwall for the wife and her mother, and I'll have the all inclusive to Barbados please."

the look on my sisters face when she opens her hair clippers and oxygen canister tomorrow will be interesting. but when i explain its the foundation of a free trip to disneyland she wont be as disappointed.

Every year my mate says he's going on an expensive longhaul holiday, yet every year he ends up camping in Devon.
Torquays cheap.

If you get kidnapped, taken to a foreign country, then released after a while, wouldn't you just stay a bit longer as a free holiday?

My wife was going to leave me if I didn't give up my obsession with the army. So as a romantic gesture, I flew all the way back from Afghanistan to take her on holiday.
I probably didn't pick the best destination, Iraq is quite cold at this time of year.

Two planes landed back in England today.
One was filled with overpaid cabin crew who will strike every other week because life isn't as cushy as it used to be.
The other charged me 80 Euro because my bag was 0.2kg heavier than they said it could be.
I don't know who I respect more. I'll probably take the ferry next time.

My wife and I are going on a Mediterranean cruise this summer.
We're looking forward to seeing all the famous landmarks, including a new one on this year's itinerary, the Costa Concordia.

as a result of ressesion i'm worried about santa being mugged,
so i left 7 land mines on the roof for him,
might as well get in there first ay!

Well it's that time of year again...
Handing out Sweets to young children.
Except this time it's handing them out from my house...
And not the back of a van.

When on holiday in Mexico I asked a local why their beaches where so much better than ours.
He replied "Theee food, theee sunshine and more exercise senor"

Not sure where to go on holiday this year.
Its a choice between Thailand and Australia.
So Ive drawn up a list, outlining the Pro's and Cons.

After he failed to pay for my honeymoon to New York, I have fallen out with my father,
But when I was out there I decided to be the bigger man, so I sent him a postcard,
Of the World Trade Center,
Saying 'wish you were there...'

in England theres always something wrong in summer either it's the weather or it's the people

My kids were thrilled when I told them I was taking them on a Mickey Mouse holiday this year.
I don't know why they are looking forward to Grimsby so much.

I walked into the house and handed her a holiday brochure and she said excitedly, "What's this?"
"You know what you said about always wanting to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa?"
"Yeah."
"Turn to page 12, there's a picture of it there."

Just took my pet ostrich on a beach holiday, cant help thinking hes not getting the most out of it!!

I switched my wife's sun lotion for cooking oil.
Now my holiday isn't ruined by having to touch her at night.

Whilst on holiday with the wife, she was in a horrific car accident and ended up in a coma with the doctors telling me that she was going to need multiple costly operations to survive.Thankfully, I had made the right choice with our health and travel insurance.
I didn't take any out.

Whenever anyone goes to Italy and sees the leaning tower of Pisa they do that lame holding it up pose for the camera. Why does no-one move further out so it looks about thigh height and do the old spreading the cheeks over it pose?

I was on holiday sunbathing when my wife started rubbing something in my back.
She said 'this will make you brown'
I said 'Oh what is it?'
'Gravy'

I went camping recently, outside the compound a sign red:
"Toilet Roll, Don't Come Without It!"
Obviously never heard of bukkake...

On a recent holiday to Egypt, I was stopped and offered 150 camels in exchange for my wife.
I told him 'No thanks' and away we walked.
'You must really love me.' My wife said while we walked.
I think that's what she said anyway, I was still shuddering at the cost of shipping home 150 camels.