I need to go and buy myself a new pair of trousers.
These ones are on their last legs.

Just had a Job interview with G4S. It went rather well! They said I should hear back in september

I hit an elderly lady with a tennis ball earlier.
I warned her what would happen if she kept refusing to give it back.

I was sat next to this miserable, unhappy looking bloke on the bus when he said,
"One ring to rule them all."
"Is that from Lord of the Rings?" I interrupted.
"No," he replied "it's a general consensus of women's domination as a result of marriage."

I used to be lazy, but that all changed when I stepped in a pool of glue
I've been working my socks off ever since.

Some people think my legs look funny.
I should hope so, I do stand-up.

I just sold the movie rights to my life story. It's not easy being a nocturnal alcholic but I can wait to see "Night Cider".

How many warranty forms does it take to change a lightbulb?

Had to break up with my blind girlfriend, couldn't stand her wandering eyes.

I get a lot of stick for collecting bits of tree.

I guess its ok to leave baby in the corner now.

My girlfriend complained today that I had a one-track mind.
She interrupted my train of thought.

Whats Grey And would look Funny on the Wigan Warrior's team Bus?
Terry Newton.

Following success of SAW VI we bring you
NATURAL CAUSES, THE MOVIE

I got some blinds for my Living room window yesterday.
People must be walking past my house thinking, "Them disabled people have just stood there all day".

The arkward moment in 2013 when every girl is pregnant...

I was telling my colleagues a hilarious story about the time me and my friends got locked in a room full of laughing gas. When I finished it was met with an awkward silence.
You probably had to be there.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Chicken.

I've just seen a pair of hippies mid-protest, proper Green activist, all about saving the planet they were.
I feel they may be taking a little too far though though, when they had to decide who would leave their post to go and fetch some water.
They played Rock, Scissors, Recycled paper.

Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it.
Then I was enlightened

I saw a Policeman at the ATM before, he was there for a while.
He never did get a statement though.

The lights went out in our house last night. The wife said it was the fuse box and I needed to go fix it. She never does anything!
I swear I have absolutely no power.

John, Tom and Jess were on a plane flying across the Pacific Ocean. The plane ran into turbulence and crashed into the sea, leaving them as the only survivors. They were eventually washed up on a tropical island and, after a few months or so, they had an effective food system and water system etc etc...

It seems like perpendicular lines find love the easiest.
They're always just right for each other.

Suffered third degree burns at work today. Saw some flames in the corridor so i opened up the fire exit. How was I to know fire exit wasn't a literal meaning.