Putting on ice skates, the closest thing to walking in high heels a man can get.

So Apple are yet again moaning that someone has an apple in their logo.
So what next? Take Granny Smith to court?

They say music is the language of spirits. So, next time your bank keeps you hanging on the phone, they're probably taking you for a medium.

Saw a crying kid in the street, so I asked him what was wrong.
He said "I'm lost!"
I asked "Do you know your address?"
He replied "timmy@bt.co.uk"

Of course it's fun working in a shoe shop ...
... but behind the glittering, glamorous facade it's just the same as any other form of slow death.

There was never supposed to be a lowercase i in front of the Pod, but Apple couldn't figure out how to stop autocorrect putting it there.

Cash Converters:
The modern day Robin Hood.

Everytime I almost think humanity will be Okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

When I see an article that shows a celebrity wearing the same outfit twice, I get furious and blow up a hospital

Walked past a bin yesterday it said
"blue fish only swim in shark infested waters in the winter snow"
It was talking rubbish

This begging in the 21st century is getting ridiculous.
Kid came up to me today with an electric cigarette & said "Got a spare battery mate?"

I said to my Girlfriend today "It's not Halloween anymore, you can take that ugly mask off".
She replied, "I was never wearing a mask".
I'm single now.

"And yea verily", God declared, as was his usual manner of speech. "Unto the shops, the males may descend, as it be the eve of Christmas, to venture forth and purchase vast array of unwanted gifts for their Female spouse."
And descend they did, with the dole burning a hole in their pockets, and this being one of two days where they must spend around 22.99 of it on low end goods, and not Booze and Ciggies.
The other of course being Valentines Day.

My closest relationship is with my blackberry... thankgod it vibrates

The wife is away for the evening so it's time for me to dig out my 'special' DVD collection.
Die Hard and Crocodile Dundee.

My wife is an awful lot like my alarm clock,
When I hit her, she stops making noise.

I've been invited to my mate Kyles wedding this weekend, and as I'm a single bloke, I'm going to be hiring an escort to go with.
I can't wait to see how many bridesmaids I'm gonna pull when I roll up outside the church in it.

I've just found out the best way to remember my wedding anniversary.
Simply forget it ONCE!

Bring back hanging before another tragedy hits home.
Get rid of her timesaving tumble drier and make your woman peg clothes on the washing line.

Just heard that announcment in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don't trust.
bit late now i left my luggage with the Mcanns an hour ago and have not seen it since

As I lay there in the road with bits of my body spread all around me, I offered up a silent prayer for death to take me and for the agonizing pain to stop.
I couldn't believe it when I heard a reply;
"Welcome to Heaven"
Blissfully, I said, "I'm ready to be taken now. I've always been a firm belie, "
"All of our angels are busy helping other customers at the moment. Your death is important to us and is being held in a que. Please wait patiently"

I'm going through a drink and drugs nightmare.......my dealers gone AWOL and the local off-licence has closed down.

What do you call a man that likes savoury snacks?
Scott Chegg

I've just moved into a converted pig sty.
It was a really nice place before I arrived.

I was in the pub late last night, when I said to my mate "I can see it being very frosty in the morning."
"How can you tell that?" he asked.
"Simple really" I replied.
"I told my wife I would be home hours ago."