I've just played and beaten my best friend at monopoly, losing because he had a community chest card that bankrupt him.
He never had a chance

Put 7.50 in a pot and get a stranger to do the same. Then offer them the pot for 10 and leave with them thinking you've both made a 2.50 profit.

QuickQuid, because everyone is stupid enough to have all their outgoings at the end of the month...

Money is a lot like women.
If you own a lot of it, you can get into all kind of positions.

"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
Not so fun in Zimbabwe...

I have been HIV+ for a while now and today I found an unmarked headstone in our garage.
My wife said "It's for you".
I said "Over my dead body".
She said "Yeah"

I'm so poo, I can't even afford the "r".

BBC news: "Reward of $5m for US agent death"
You might as well make money doing something you love.

I've just seen the couple who won the Euromillions.
They are fat and Scottish and old and look like they could be brother and sister and I'm not bitter in the slightest!

They say counting money is bad luck,
In that case poor people dont have much to worry about.

Taught an American about small currency exchange rates.
Took a while but the penny dropped eventually.

I work on the end of the production line at the U.S. Bureau of printing and engraving.
The buck stops with me.

You know it's bad when you receive a letter from Blockbuster saying you owe a late fee for a VHS rental

Why do Jews have such long life expectancies?
They don't like to buy it.

My wife told me she's pregnant with a girl. That's great, I can save 20% on allowance!

Saw a book today at a car boot sale called "I Can Make You Rich"
Works then?

I punched a hole in the wall earlier.
The bank were NOT happy.

Protesters at NATO summit want to eliminate currency. Greek government takes their advice.

why do things cost more when you buy them in a toilet?

I tried World of Warcraft and an error showed up on my computer.
It seems my bank account doesn't support WoW.
It suggests I upgrade my job and try again.

A black man stopped me and asked for a pound for the bus fare home!
I gave him a score and told him to take his family with him!

Women are like bank accounts, heavily in the red every month!

Last year I became a Stock broker.
This year I'm a lot broker.

I was born with ten thousand baby teeth.
Which I thought was kind of cool, but my parents strongly disliked it for some reason.

In the UK's latest sport "rich list", footballers and F1 stars have topped the list. Unfortunately, no women made it into the top 100.
I'm not surprised. The women's Premier League is an oxymoron, and I certainly wouldn't trust a woman to drive to ASDA, never mind belt round Silverstone at 180 miles an hour.