So apparently it's not all bad news if you get killed by Voldemort.
Instead, you can become a teen vampire with the power to make 13 year-olds fall in love with you.

Stephenie Meyer likes Team Edward! and Eating Alone.

So, I've been searching for the Yeti for 3 weeks now.
I did originally set out to find cheap petrol, but I went for a more achievable goal.

My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious...
So I threw her into a Volcano.

I'm in a cover band for The Zombies.
We never perform live.

Vampire teenager: ''Dad, if you won't let me go out I'll simply wait for you to fall asleep.''
Vampire dad: ''That'll be the day.''

The reason women love vampires so much,
is because they are the only men who will lick them out during their periods

My wife said, "Imagine we're sat here now, and flesh eating zombies started smashing their way into the house... What would you do?"
I said, "Hide behind you...
...you big fat tasty looking lump."

I'm having a really stressful time at the moment, and to make things worse I get back from the doctors to find I've got a high blood count.
I specifically told Dracula not to sample any of my 'special cakes' while I was at work.

Snoop Dogg: I want to be a vampire.
Well he sucks already........maybe he means he wants to be white.

I love Twilight.
2 to get some fake teeth.
And then I can convince young girls to come into the forest with me, with a piggyback ride.

"It's Bully from Bullseye!" I exclaimed as I saw the small statuette.
"You aren't really an expert in Cretan archeology are you?" replied the museum director.

What's A Vampires' Version Of A Lollipop?
A Used Tampon.

BBC News: Despicable film eclipses Twilight.
The BBC should really check their website, someone has typed the word 'eclipses' into the above heading

I married a woman who turned out to be a vampire. I loved her and was prepared to go along with most of the changes it meant to our lifestyle but I just couldn't see myself in a house without mirrors.

A busload of zombies were just involved in a minor collision.
They are all feared dead.

If you're a vampire a used Elastoplast makes an ideal 'Blood Patch' if you're trying to give it up.

How was your apocalypse ?
Mine was great, until I realized the zombies I was killing weren't zombies...
But that didn't stop me!

I was attacked by a couple of vampires last night.
In an effort to distract them, my girlfriend bravely cut her arm. Her plan worked, the vampires could smell the blood in the air and turned their attention to her.
Luckily, I was able to use this opportunity to put my hands in my pockets and walk home.

I've been thinking about it and, at the end of the day,
it's not so bad being a vampire.

I've just finished revamping my bedroom. Buffy made such a mess trying to slay me. Mind you, she can try again anyday.

Imagine a female werewolf, once a month she'd turn into a vicious man-eating monster in a blind rage.
And then another time in the month she'd turn into a wolf.

I just saw that they 've launched a "Twilight" fragrance range,
Now you too can smell like the undead.

I was giving blood at my local health centre the other day when in walked an Orc
"Are you giving blood as well?" I asked
"No" he replied "...I've got too much Haemogoblin"

Where do vampires go for a pint?
At the Haemoglob-Inn!!