I turned round to my wife earlier and told her I'd prefer it if she stopped calling me, "Jelly baby" in public.
She nearly bit my head off.

I have just changed my name by deed poll to Heart Disease.
Just so I can be known as the UK's biggest killer.

Why do celebrities call their children such silly names. My parents called me Robert because they had more respect for me.
Regards,
R. Send

Mr. and Mrs. King were in the hospital with their newborn baby.
"What shall we name him?" she asked.
"How about Joseph?" he replied.
The nurse with the birth certificate looked at the baby and said: "You've got to be Joe King!".

When my son asked me what my first nickname was I replied, 'Scarface'. "But dad you have no scars on your face?", "No, but I introduced your mother to my little friend".

What do you call a black dwarf?
A ne-grow

I've just found out that my ex-girlfriend's nickname was 'good day'.
She was had by all.

So the Press is calling Romney "Mitt the Twit"... Shame he's not called Matt.

How come there are so many bus drivers called Drive?

My wife hates her new nickname. I gave it to her after that group of youths viciously attacked her lower half with large metal poles, leaving her legs useless.
Never mind, Rodney will be out the hospital soon.

My mate's all call me 'chocolate'.
I'm not black, or even have a tan.
It's that when I'm out, fat birds can't get enough of me.

A little boy at school on his first day was asked by the teacher what his name was.
The boy replied, "Six and seven-eighths".
The teacher asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name and he replied, "They just picked it out of a hat".

What do you call someone made from a tonne of clay?
Clayton.

Being named Anthony End, it's a must that I give one of my children the middle name of Isobel.

I call my new girlfriend 'Bad fruit shop' because she's got no melons

Does anyone else want to meet a police officer with the last name World?

I walked into a shop and said, "Ten Lambert please, mate."
The cashier said, "It's not mate. My name is on my badge."
So I replied, "Okay. Ten Lambert please, ASDA."

My mate insists on being called 'N' by everyone.
He'll do anything to be the centre of attention.

I have two nieces, Melanie and Briony.
Can never remember their real names but one smells of melons, the other looks like Brian Blessed.

I used to have a nickname at school.
Nick.

When my son was born, I wanted to pick an unusual name, and also name him after someone famous.
He's definitely the only Spongebob, in his school.

My friends called today.
Bit of a weird name if you ask me.

My nickname means I have a great chat-up line when I'm in America.
"Hi, I'm Waldo. I believe you've been trying to find me."