My girlfriend's definitely going to leave me because of my pessimism.

The next greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, blindfold!

Who fancies a contest to see who can get banned from Britology.com the quickest?

You know you've got a problem when your second kid starts walking before your first.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

Anyone else find it ironic that it's Hans Christian rsted's birthday.

How long do you have to be on failblog before life simply becomes "abortion fail?"

I saw a book the other day by the famous British historian Guy Chapman, or as his friends liked to call him, Person Person Person.

Who else knows when they've been beaten?
Then gets up and wipes.

The BRIT Awards - More mime's than Covent Garden

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I once applied to be a male stripper.
They put me on their shortlist

Rhubarb is for fools.

Ive got that many train sets I've lost track.

I use to work in a glue factory but i didnt stick with it

I've got a lovely recipe for a fish stew made with pollock and dog fish. It's the dog's pollocks.

There's no getting away from it, stalking's here to stay.

Wonder if there's a euphemism for a 'euphemism'?

You'll be hard pressed getting me to watch The Iron Lady.

Until they invented the other side of velcro, it never caught on.

Girls that are afraid of the dark.
That's a turn off.

I was a whisker away from winning 'Beard of the Year' recently.

I was giving blood at my local health centre the other day when in walked an Orc
"Are you giving blood as well?" I asked
"No" he replied "...I've got too much Haemogoblin"

When chemists do it, they do it on a table... Periodically.

Lesbians are just in it for the the crack