Your momma's so fat...well, that's it really...

My friend thought it was funny to put jam in my hat as a prank.
I felt the need to get him back so I put super glue in his boxers and laxatives in his cereal.

Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

You just know a girl is fat when you ask "what's your best feature?" and they reply "my curves"

I had an accident three years ago.
He's sitting next to me.

I'm releasing a new product this winter called 'Chocihot', its a chocolate bar designed to make you feel warm inside.
My slogan is going to be 'Chocihot kills!'
Lambert and Butler had the same idea and they are selling in the millions...

I always find people are more generous when they don't know they're giving.

We'll see our ends when nudists stand up for their rights.

Apparently we have become a dumber race since the Egyptians were around.
Well I've got three words for them! The internet!

I'm so good at staring contests I could beat you with my eyes closed.

This year, there is no excuse for people to say they haven't been able to get that beach body they've wanted this summer. I've put a little flag in the sand on top of each one I buried. There's hundreds.
You're welcome.

I'm not stuck up- some of my best friends are lower-middle!

When my mum was pregnant with me, the doctors decided i had to be taken out early, they said there just wasn't any womb.

My wife has really long hair; she combs it every hour and goes to the hairdressers twice a week.
So I bought her a shaving kit.

Why are men so much better at reading maps ?
Coz only in a mans mind can 1 inch = 100 miles

When I'm bored I like to go into a crowded elevator and say 'You all are probably wondering why I gathered you here' with the straightest face.

What do you call a travelling potato?
Chipsy

Last night a blind chick came up to me and asked me out.
I said I was seeing someone.

I was driving north on the m6 past Stafford, when I saw a sign reminding me to "Think Bike." Ironically, at the very same time, I found myself thinking the words "Katie Price." How odd.

How many people does it take to jump on a bandwagon?
My wife.

It only takes an awkward hug to make you notice the similarities between breathing in and sniffing.

I don't get it, how can all these girls get away with " Ooo I'd do bad things to One Direction"...
Yet I get frowned upon when I say Maddie McCann would get it.

Two pensioners are sitting at the bench in the park surrounded with pigeons.
-"Did you bring bread for pigeons?" - asks first one.
-"Sorry mate, I didn't, I already spent all of my money!"
-"No worries mate" - said the first one: -"Will eat them without bread!"

I took a blind girl to the cinema last night.
She's probably still there now.

I felt awful after hearing my ex girlfriend had been killed in a horrific car accident. I might never get my Rocky V dvd back.