When people ask me what I do I tell them I am a 'high stakes investor' with William Hill.
It sounds more respectable than 'gambling addict'.

I love working alongside my wife. After constant nagging to our boss about how we needed to celebrate our anniversary on duty at the calendar factory, he finally caved in.
We have a date tomorrow.

My mates always say to me "You have the best job ever. I cant believe you actually get paid to photograph naked women."
"Well, doing post-mortems does have its perks."

Phew, that was a close one. I've just been through the mill with the police enquiry into how I arrested that guy with Cerebal Palsy. Sometimes film footage can work for and against you ...
But as I told them, he's clearly trying to take a bite out of my steel toecaps.

I broke the cars suspension today going over one of those sleeping police man.
Well he looked like he was sleeping after the second go.

My tarot card reading business has gone bust.
My life's in runes.

I just got fired from my job as the local barber for setting my customers' left and right on fire.
Apparently "Sideburns' weren't what I thought they were.

I've just given a speech to a group of clothesline salesmen.
They were hanging on my every word.

My doctor told me that my stomach is lined with a fatty residue.
I told her she looks fat in her dress, we all have problems.

Long ago, someone who sacrificed sleep, forgot his family, his friends and his food and forgot laughter were called "Saints"
Now they're called "IT Professionals"

I remember the first time i ever tried my hand at stand up comedy.
The curtains went back the lights came on , and on i walked.... for about two steps and then i fell through the floor.
Quick as a flash , and still holding the Microphone i looked up at the stunned audience and said "Its just a Stage i'm going through".

I was thinking of becoming a Doctor
I have the handwriting for it.

Coming soon: The Police iPhone Confession App: Download full confession, fall downstairs, then click on Agree.

I'm the kind of guy people tell their children to not get involved with.
The police

Quasimodo retired last week.
He got two years back pay and a lump sum.

Ive had to take a week off work to go to the doctors and get some medicine,
And by doctors i mean Asda, And by medicine in 3 cases of beer for 20.

My girlfriend's been to college and is well on her way to being a professional make-up artist.
She's already got her foundation degree.

"Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a deck of cards"
"I knew that when you shuffled into my surgery"!

Just seen a show advertised on tv called peter Andre here to help. Here Pete carry this plasma for me... says the guy in hackney.

BBC News: A version of The Clash song London Calling was used as part of the countdown coverage to the 2012 Olympics. But is it the best advert for the city?
No, but Police and Thieves is.

I went to see a psychiatrist about my multiple personality disorder.
He told me not to worry about it and just be myself.

Cop to Pothead - Smoking Weed only gives you a false sense of security !
Pothead - "Yeah, just like the Cop Badge"

I've just found out, that if you visit a Doctor's wife with a bag of apples.
You won't get disturbed.

Got put in the psychiatric ward yesterday so I told them I was a sticky substance and I got discharged

A big black man stopped me in the street and got me to empty my pockets.
... afterwards he said, "Sorry about that Sir, its just you fitted the description of the suspect perfectly".
I said, "That's alright officer".