My mate is a terrible psychiatrist.
When his first patient walked in he said, "Lie down and tell me about your phobia of couches"

A man goes to the psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I've got a problem. I can look into future."
"Since when you deal with this problem?"
"Since next Wednesday."

My wife finally announced this morning that we were splitting up- she just couldn't handle my precognition any longer..
So I left last night.

A mate came back from the shrink and told me he has a fear of the unknown, 'whats that?' I asked
'I dunno' he replied.

I just don't understand why only good looking, successful, happy people are buying my book on reverse psychology?

I dont remember forgetting things.

Everybody thinks I'm a fatalist.
Well they would, wouldn't they?

I think i'm an expert in reverse psychology, but you don't have to agree.

I used to wonder why I was getting nowhere in life; every step forward I made didn't seem to take me anywhere...
Then I realised I was on the descending escalator.

I have pretty low self-esteem.
When my local nightclub held a 'school disco' fancy dress night, I went as the janitor.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

The monster broke through the surface of Loch Ness, looked around at the deserted countryside and thought "There's definitely something alive out there."

One of my friends recently joined a study which focuses on the long term psychological effects of a hostile environment. Apparently, it's really good and he plans on signing me up for marriage counselling too.

My girlfriend always says you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes he's wearing.
I always say you can tell a lot about a person by the simplistic means they use to make judgements about people.

The death of Paul the Octopus will be inked all over the newspapers by tomorrow

I used to like reverse psychology, but now I do.

I've recently been reading a book on reverse psychology ,
or have I?

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

I was helping the behavioral scientist from next door, get his trailer on the drive.
"You're doing it all wrong," I said, "left is right and right is left."
I hate reversing a psychologist.

Two psychologists are in bed, one says, "Well, it was great for you, but what was it like for me?"

You can tell a lot about a person from their favourite book.
Stealing their phone and reading their texts also works.

Sigmund Freuds 'Oedipus complex'.
Not so much a theory as an admission of guilt.

When Sigmund's mirror broke, Jung took pleasure in seeing a shard in Freud.

I went on a skiing trip with a group of psychiatrists, I've never seen so many Freudians slip

If I've told you once, I've told you 273 times..... I do not suffer from OCD