The monster broke through the surface of Loch Ness, looked around at the deserted countryside and thought "There's definitely something alive out there."

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

I have pretty low self-esteem.
When my local nightclub held a 'school disco' fancy dress night, I went as the janitor.

I used to wonder why I was getting nowhere in life; every step forward I made didn't seem to take me anywhere...
Then I realised I was on the descending escalator.

I think i'm an expert in reverse psychology, but you don't have to agree.

Everybody thinks I'm a fatalist.
Well they would, wouldn't they?

I dont remember forgetting things.

I just don't understand why only good looking, successful, happy people are buying my book on reverse psychology?

A mate came back from the shrink and told me he has a fear of the unknown, 'whats that?' I asked
'I dunno' he replied.

My wife finally announced this morning that we were splitting up- she just couldn't handle my precognition any longer..
So I left last night.

A man goes to the psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I've got a problem. I can look into future."
"Since when you deal with this problem?"
"Since next Wednesday."

My mate is a terrible psychiatrist.
When his first patient walked in he said, "Lie down and tell me about your phobia of couches"

I've recently been reading a book on reverse psychology ,
or have I?

Y G O L O H C Y S P:
Reverse psychology

I'm not actually sure which is worse.
On my application form for Hull university to study psychology, where it asked why I wanted to study psychology, I put as a joke, "To get inside a girl's head, so I can get inside their pants".
Or the fact that they accepted me and gave me books on hypnosis as suggested reading.

My psychiatrist said....
"Tell me, how long have you been having these hallucinations about seeing a psychiatrist?"

I asked my therapist never to tell anyone about my Oedipus complex.
He said 'sure, mum's the word'.

Little Johnny has just returned from a psychological examination.
"Well, Johnny," says his mother, "what did the psychologist say?"
"He said I had an Oedipus Complex," says Johnny.
"Just you forget that Oedipus rubbish!" says his mother. "The main thing is you love your mummy."

The first rule of reverse psychology club is don't not talk about reverse psychology club

If I've told you once, I've told you 273 times..... I do not suffer from OCD

I went on a skiing trip with a group of psychiatrists, I've never seen so many Freudians slip

When Sigmund's mirror broke, Jung took pleasure in seeing a shard in Freud.

Sigmund Freuds 'Oedipus complex'.
Not so much a theory as an admission of guilt.

You can tell a lot about a person from their favourite book.
Stealing their phone and reading their texts also works.

Two psychologists are in bed, one says, "Well, it was great for you, but what was it like for me?"