So Sarah Harding is off into rehab.
Someone told me there's no girls aloud in rehab?

I used to work as a refuse collector....
It was a load of rubbish though really...

People say I'm good at fractions, but they don't know the half of it.

I went to school in a wendy house... I found it hard to fit in

Just finished my first shift as a croupier at a casino.
Dealt with everything quite well.

Just quit my job with National rail.
Couldn't be doing with all the training.

My teachers always said I would be an underachiever and they were right - just won the world limbo dancing championships.

I was surprised to hear about the murders going on at the Batman film. If there was going to be any crime commited, I thought it would have been a spot of Robin'

So I heard about the shooting at the cinema in Colorado, I guess that guy was really the Bane of their lives.

I wouldn't say that Bradley Wiggins has an unhealthy obsession with cycling.
I just think he's Bike-curious

I was watching the first pilot episode of the Simpsons the other day,
And i couldn't help but think that they used to be a right bunch of sketchy characters.

A woman and her two children were brutally murdered and decapitated at their London home yesterday. Police are hunting the killer. A neighbour said "I heard screams and called the police. It was horrible." There has been a public outcry of support for those closest to the deceased. The family have been described as "in bits".

I've never liked windmills.
I know that's going against the grain...

BBC SPORT: "Tottenham in talks to sign Adebayor"
Hmmmm this could really be a shot in the foot in terms of Adebayor's career.
And the last thing they want is yet another black man getting shot over there.

It was poker night and my mate randomly decided not to let me look at my cards.
What's the deal?

What do you call a girl living in the playboy mansion in the Czech Republic?
Czechmate.

What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin?
You get an electric current.

A zombie looked at me straight in the eyes.
He was dead serious.

You should never throw wooden shoes down the toilet.
You'll clog the system.

What do you call a bald king with no sons?
Heir less

I ate the most wonderful flatfish today.
It was brill.

I'm not a big fan of street food.
It's just a bit too pedestrian.

So what if I don't know what the definition of the apocalypse is, its not like it's the end of the world

Some jokes are so pointless.

Abu Hamza keeps dropping his Nokia...
His phone's always off the hook!