My wife just gave birth to our first son after an arduous 23 hour labour.
Glad I wasn't paying her by the hour.

Some religious nut just approached me in the street and said, "Do you think the world will ever end?"
I said, "I doubt it, it's a circle."

There's nothing more annoying or impersonal than receiving a 'send to many' text...
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone.

I've just logged on to find 'no unread messages' mayne I logged onto Trickipedia.

You know how you doodle art in your books at school.... I wonder if art students doodle maths equations on their drawings?

How nice it was for Manchester City Council, to posthumously make the late Tony Wilson a Freeman of the City. It must be great comfort for his widow to know that Tony's ghost can walk sheep and cattle over bridges, and carry an un-sheathed sword in public.

I took the wife to a restaurant. We ordered our food and wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him "Are you the waiter who took my order?" The waiter replied " yes sir ,I am." "Thats funny" I said, "I was expecting someone much older."

Oryza sativa: So good they named it rice.

I think whoever works at the marketing teams for cigarettes needs to be told that "Smoking Kills" is the worst slogan I've seen in years.

I'm just logging on to facebook to see who's ill and who's kids are ill.

I finally get this "big society" thing, David Cameron spends 680,000 doing up number 10 and I have earned 680 to keep my family of 3 for a month "we are in this together".

A staff member at Royal Mail had a birthday party last week, and me and a group of friends were invited.
We turned up bearing no cards of gifts, just to show him what it feels like.

English sport- we couldn't win an arm wrestle with Jade Goodys mum

I could look at you all day but the zoo shuts at 6pm.

My girlfriend came into the living room and asked, "Has somebody been clipping their toenails into the bath?"
"You mean apart from me?"

BBC News: "The most comprehensive statistics published so far on the August riots in England show that those who took part were poorer, younger and of lower educational achievement than average"
They really hit the nail on the head with this one...

I was walking through the park with a mate when he cried out "Ouch! A bug just flew into my left eye! What are the chances!"
"Precisely 1 in 2."

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Where do yahoo get their headlines from?
I just read "Dutch among lowest cannabis users in Europe..."
What tomorrow?
"America has the lowest BMI on the planet..."
"Britain has the least migrants in the world..."
"Muslim women catch the most sun..."
The mind boggles!

Just yesterday I was asking my girlfriend how she thinks OJ's life would have panned out if he were white...
But "apparently" being BLACK doesn't MAKE you a MURDERER.

My wife left me because of my constant references to cowboys.
This house wasn't big enough for the both of us anyway.

I've just seen a bloke in the bookies bet on Stephen Hawkings to win the next series of the X Factor.
Well, he might as well have. He backed Team GB to win a medal in the 100m and 200m races at the Olympics.

Portuguese detectives have tonight found the body of Maddie McCann in her Praia Da Luz apartment.
The Metropolitan Police have been first to offer their congratulations.

I downloaded i-player and i-tunes onto my i-mac to put on my i-pod and i-pad.
Im so excited i cant wait to get on the i-phone and tell all my friends! Balance, O2 customer services and the samaritans will be well impressed.

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm a "self-loving narcissist".
Jokes on her, 'self-loving narcissist' is redundant. I wouldn't have made that mistake.