I'm thinking of taking my relationship with my girlfriend to the next level. You know, 'tying the knot'.
I'm just not sure if we're ready for S&M yet, though.

I've just returned from a holiday in Ireland.
It wasn't all it was craiced up to be.

My son seems to be hanging out with too many cooks, spoiling broths.
But it's just a phrase he's going through.

I asked my friend who he thought would win the next series of University Challenge.
He said ''It's all academic''

Funeral processions.
Hats off to 'em.

I used to be lazy, but that all changed when I stepped in a pool of glue
I've been working my socks off ever since.

I don't get along with my colleagues at simultaneous reading club.
We're just not on the same page.

People say that what you put in is what you get out. These people have obviously never seen the movie Teeth.

Oranges and lemons say the bells of St Clements.
Proof, if ever it were needed, that God works in mysterious ways.

If I had a penny for every time I walked past a penny without picking it up, I'd have loads of pennies.

I got arrested shoplifting from ASDA today.
The police wouldn't accept my alibi that all the lemons I stole were given to me by life.

I built my house from the ground up.
I usually find that's the best way to do it.

When one door closes, another one opens. except in prison.

Whenever I hear people say "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me." I always think
"Sticks?"

I bought my first ever clock the otherday.
I think its about time.

A comedian friend of mine insists on visiting Thailand once a year to let off steam and focus on the essence of comedy.
To him, Thai minge is everything.

Confucius say he who seeks a good sandwich should date a girl from subways.

Walking off at half time, Man City's Spanish winger was seen surrounded by team mates moaning & groaning.
Seems that every crowd has a Silva whining.

My girlfriend left me because of all the mental notes I make to myself.
Maybe the one where I shaved the dog and carved 'BUY SOME MILK' into it's back, was a little too far.

You can be in the copper team or the aluminium team, but there is no iron team.

Familiarity breeds contempt.
Overfamiliarity breeds Chlamydia.

I regret calling my son 'Curiosity' ever since we got our cat.

Whenever I get the chance, I give my wife a cuddle, because you know what they say -
"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."

My wife has left me because I keep getting my phrases mixed up.
Oh well plenty more fish out of water.

They say, "You never really know what you've got until it's gone."
I can't wait to see how much I'll miss my wife.