I was doing a talk at my local University earlier, addressing the 'people of the future'....
I really hope we have a plan B...

"I graduated from Cambridge wath a masters degree in arts..............would you like fries with that sir?"

The school register:
The kid from Eastern Europe - Check
The kid with Tourette's - Tick
The birthday boy - "Present"
The deaf kid - "Ear"
The kid on drugs - "Hi"
The dead kid- "ah late again i see"

The school disco said 'Cash prize for whoever dresses the most retro.'
So I turned up with just a leaf covering my dangly bits.

I said to my son, "What did you do at school today?"
He said, "We learnt about all the capitals."
"How many do you know?" I asked.
He said, "All of them."
I said, "All of them, are you sure?"
He said, "Yes, they're just like the small letters, but you write them a bit bigger."

I was always the best at maths in school.
Pretty much the bare minimum as a teacher.

At school they call me the whizz kid.
But then again that's only cause I wet myself in the GCSE maths exam.

I was doing a chemistry paper today and the question was "Why is NH3 important to humanity"
Apparently "to serve Mein Fuher and rid the world of Jews" i not on the mark scheme

As I lay beneath the stars taking hundreds of spectacular pictures I couldn't help but think...
I've just taken voyeurism to an all new level of low.

The school Career's Adviser is speaking to Johns dad. "Frankly," he said, "Your son is rude, churlish,vacant with an intelligence level bordering on moronic. On the rare occasions that I can extract a response from him, inevitably it is monosyllabic..... We think he has a great future ahead of him selling trainers in Sports Direct

Got my results today, and like the thousand of other spotty tennagers i am over joyed. The condom worked and the girlfriend isn't pregnant.

If there's one thing I definitely get from exams it's a new pen.

I got all Bs and Cs at school.
It wasn't until I was a bit older that I moved onto harder drugs.

My school is putting on a play to show people how in danger African children are.
We don't get pre-show snacks.

"So today I had this english test, and one question confused me. I had to find the past tense of "Think".
So I thought and I thought and I thought, and at the end I wrote: Thinked"

For those taking their exams, remember what OCR really stands for...
Observe
Copy
Repeat.

The Government should sack all the striking teachers and replace them with long-term unemployed Greeks.
They'd be glad of 36 weeks work a year.

My PE teacher was a bully who went ballistic just because I couldn't complete the school cross country run after I pulled a calf.
He roared "I DID NOT TELL YOU TO STOP RUNNING!" as he dragged me off the baby cow.

what do you call a scout with a lot of BBQ's? Bear grills

At school I was known to be a bit of a maths genius, in 2003 I managed to get an A*!
It's amazing what can happen in 6 years.

I remember in primary school we had a cupboard where we would kiss the girls at break time. A lot has changed since my day.
Its an abortion clinic now.

I was always warned as a kid not to blow my own trumpet
However it was that mentality that caused my exclusion from the school orchestra

I joined the debating society at school the other day. Clearly misunderstood what my teacher meant when he said we would have a maths-debate...

Am I the only person who, when they finished their exams at school and the teacher said, "It feels great when you're done doesn't it?" who replied,"That's exactly what you said to me last night, Miss".

Teacher says:' so Rob the saying 'It only takes one tree to make a thousand match sticks, and it only takes one match to burn a thousand trees' what can we take from this?'
Rob: ' the other 999 matches